Tai Gui Le!

My Future Kids will be bilingual. You hear me? They're gonna speak TWO motherfucking languages. Spouse better be ethnic. Otherwise, they're getting language camp. At 6 months. I'm not going to wait until they're past their prime to teach them a language. "Why do they need to know 2+ languages," you ask. "English is the only language you need!"
Ha! You say that now, but just you wait until 20 years from now. My Future Kids will be well-prepared for the dawn of the Sino-American empire. A new age.
Anyway, bilingual kiddies are a sure sign that they're smart as heck and that I'm awesome at being a parent. Unless, of course, they're bilingual because Spouse is ethnic. Then I guess it just means that I'm open to diversity while also being conspicuously white.
Either way, I will still tell My Future Kids all the randomly ethnic stories to keep them well-behaved. I don't know what they say here. Is it just Santa Claus giving you coal? Is the boogey man only for bad children? Are naughty little boys sold at flea markets? Who knows. I don't really care. I'll still threaten My Future Kids with being sold to the dog meat vendor. I will tell them that I will bring them to the Humane Society and trade them for a puppy. Then I will tell them that they had better have some money saved up, because the Humane Society won't take them without a decent bribe. I will tell them that if they misbehave, Loki will want to recruit them and will steal them away in the night. He will turn them to stone to keep them under cover during the day, and at night they will have to do his bidding of mischief. I will tell them that I am friends with Baba Yaga, and if they misbehave, I will sell them to her that she may have them in her soup. I will tell them about her scraggly hair and her chicken feet and how she will put them into little cages to plump them up before having them for dinner. With every delicious bite of rabbit and cakes, she will pinch their cheeks and lick her lips. And if they refuse to eat, she will take that cake and force it down their gullet herself. I will tell them to thank me for my mercy. I will tell them that I actual got a pretty poor deal on them at Babies 'R' Us. They were on clearance because nobody wanted them, but I took pity on them and I thought they were kind of funny-looking, so I got them anyway.