Another year, another reflective post about that year. What happened this year? It's the first full year that I've worked at Company. The first full year I've been dating Other. It felt like nothing happened this year, though in reflection it is very different from last year. I wonder if the years being different will end now that I'm working.
Before I pull out my calendar and see what I actually did this year, let me guess. This year I actually did the do-a-thing-every-day-for-a-month thing each month. Though I wasn't always the best at actually doing that thing. I don't even know if I can remember the things I did. They were not especially interesting, I think. One of them was reading every day, one was gaming, one was trying to make a game, one was practicing Chinese, which I don't think I did super well because I mostly focused on vocabulary, and I don't think it helped, one was waking up super early every day so I would have some time to myself- this one I think had some good ideas in it but needing to go to bed super early in order to support waking up super early was not good for my ability to do things after work. For November I tried to do nanowrimo (national novel-writing month) I ended up with 20k out of the expected 50k words which is not amazing but about twice as well as my previous word count, so maybe that means next year I double this year's word count and I will actually have a novel on my hands. The others are a mystery.
I'm more afraid of my life vanishing from me now that I do basically the same thing every day. I started recording what I do each day on my calendar and I started a daily diary to keep track of what I did and what my feelings are. I still managed to not update my real diary or my blog with all my feelings though I had many. I suspect some of that comes from talking to Other. I write to process my thoughts, so if I talk (ie text) to Other about my thoughts, I no longer feel compelled to blog about them in order to understand them. I think I'm also just busier, like I don't want to blog when I'm hanging out with people and if I don't blog while I'm thinking about a thing, I just won't.
My mental health hasn't been awesome this year. Nothing serious. I've just been sad a lot. It comes on suddenly and stays for minutes or hours or days. I get engulfed by the sadness and become even more quiet and even less fun with people but perhaps also slightly more productive. Sometimes it stays until I get a new emotion to replace it. Or until I forget. Or when I get a night of sleep. Or half an hour to myself. I haven't done any official science on this, but I suspect that it happens when I'm tired emotionally. When I've been hanging out with Other's friends all weekend. Or when I'm tired and frustrated.
I think keeping a significant other around is at least partially to blame for this. I've always associated being in love with sadness. Not just sadness, of course. But I was sad a lot when I was with the First Other. I was super in love with them but also in high school and super stressed and also our relationship was not super healthy in retrospect. Also in-love people cry a lot? They're always doing things that hurt each others feelings. Or like not understanding each other.
Having Other means that I'm more vulnerable. I care a lot about what Other thinks of me. Maybe too much sometimes. I spend a lot of time now with people who are not my friends. They're Other's friends and we're friendly, but we are not friends. And people are exhausting.
I think the time has to admit that probably I do need to be a bit more careful with my mental health. I'm trying to make sure I have dedicated time for myself but its hard. I never want to turn down invitations to do things with people I like. A lot of the time I think this makes sense; I would rather sacrifice sleep and alone time than miss out on fun experiences. I guess I just need to find a balance between going to bed at 9 every night and never doing anything and never getting any time to myself.
In lighter 2015 news, I've been rock climbing and learning Chinese. I've actually improved a lot on the rock climbing front. Especially when I've been going with Other a couple times a week. Other has surpassed me in ability. I still need to try not to get jealous even though I know that Other's physical advantages are a big help. Chinese has shown less clear signs of progression. I still feel like i don't know enough to express myself even in simple ways. At the same time, I'm learning more than I would have by myself (ie not learning) so maybe it's worth it. We recently got a new teacher and expressed to her our desire to improve our conversational skills, so maybe things will improve faster in the future.
Um, I also worked a lot. Like a whole year. It was hard sometimes! I think I improved a lot though and am like friend with my team now so that's good. I worry that when I switch to a new team in the future I'll go back to being kind of terrible at talking to people. It's like an endless cycle of being uncomfortable with people I don't know.
Other and I have also been trying to be healthier together. We've been going rock climbing and we started using an app to track our food and weight and things. It's been working too! I had gained a bunch of weight since the summer after graduating when I was biking all day every day. I'm not back down to that weight, but I'm back to where I was in college. I don't even really notice what changes I've actually made in my diet except that I stopped eating all the free pizza at work.
Okay, let's look at the calendar, shall we?
- I saw Eddie Izzard and went to a casino! That was fun. I am not good at gambling. My inner mathematician always says 'But you'll lose! You win by not playing.' I did actually win about $7 on the slots. Mostly I just watched Other make a lot of money at a table. It was good. When we came home after was also the first time Other said they love me.
- I went to Maine with Other and Roommate and Roommate's Other. That was fun! We did hiking and made a nice dinner and had drinks and played games and saw a movie in a theater where we got a pizza and sat on a couch.
- Parents met Other! Twice! Being with Family is always strange and awkward. We're just kind of strange ans awkward people. I know Parents are kind of weird, but it still makes me kind of sad when Other sees them as kind of weird. Father is basically just an even worse version of me. I know it's not really fair, so I don't mention it, but that's how it is.
- Project Best Idea Ever! I totally forgot about this. For those of you who don't know, this is where you take your dinky little raft out onto the river to watch the fireworks for the Fourth of July. We got some rafts off of amazon that had good reviews but were like definitely made for children. It was definitely an adventure. We never even really got close to the fireworks. Also we lost a paddle. And row the boat was SO HARD. It may have been because the paddle was loose on our oar. I would totally do it again, but it's unclear if my compatriots would.
- Music festival! I went to one at it was pretty great. Other isn't into that sort of thing, but I went with Roommate and we found our other roommate and hung out and and saw concerts and it was lots of fun.
- For my birthday, Roommate and Other organized this big thing for me and cooked me a nice dinner and stuff and then surprised me by taking me out to a bar in fancy clothes where all my friends were hiding. Also Roommate talked to my non-local friends and got them to say nice things about me and it was really nice and I have their heads on my wall now and no I will not provide more context for that statement.
- I saw a bunch of concerts! It was pretty great though some of the concerts were not that fun. I have a better idea now of what concerts I will enjoy. Also, leaving early can be a totally great idea especially if you're not going for the headliner.
- I did a lot of puzzles! Like, several hunts. 4, I think? A good number. I really like having puzzles as a part of my life. I think the only time I ever actually organize something to see a bunch of my friends is to do puzzles.
- I took Other home for Christmas. It was really nice! We didn't do much though. I feel like I need to show Other Homestate so they can see how great it is. Homestate is actually a really important part of my identity and I worry that if Other doesn't understand my love for Homestate, then Other doesn't understand me. It is silly and unfair, I know, but I worry. We really didn't do that much, but we did see a play and malls and some other nice things.
Alright, let's talk goals:
1. Continue with the do a different thing every day for a month
2. See more plays: Let's get 12 this year
3. Read more books: We're also aiming for 12 even though that seems like not very much actually.
4. Climb a 5.11
5. Keep a daily log of my activities
6. Take care of my metal health
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Love is...
This is a blog post about Other, sort of. We've been dating for three months now and I'm thinking about falling in love.
Sometimes I try to think about what love is and I'm never very successful. I think it's something about accepting someone as they are and caring about them and wanting the best for them. I think maybe I'm a little too selfish, a little too demanding in this regard. I want to be more than just cared about as it's convenient; I want someone to want the best for me even when it is not what they want. I want someone to be happy for my triumphs even when those triumphs make them sad for themselves.
Sometimes I am subject to emotions that make my heart feel as though it is swelling with emotion and I want to cry for all the emotion. I can only describe it as emotions. When I am I full of this emotion, I think I may be tempted to call it love, but I'm pretty sure it's not that. Affection, maybe. Longing. Gratitude. I don't know. I call it emotion. I think that perhaps that is all it is. I do not think that it is love.
When I'm trying to understand love, I think of my relationship with Roommate. Though sometimes Roommate makes my heart swell with affection and gratitude, that is not the feeling of loving Roommate. I don't think there is a feeling of loving Roommate. I think there is mostly just a knowing. We've decided that we're soulmates and best friends forever, so we are. I would do anything within reason for Roommate, and maybe even some things that are not. It would hurt and be very hard, but I think that I could love Roommate and want the best for them even if they for some reason did not love me back.
It's not really fair to compare Other to Roommate. Other has only been around for a little while and Roommate is my soulmate. I don't really know what other points of comparison I have.
It strikes me now that it's kind of weird that I care so much about what love is. It never really mattered with Roommate. I never really thought to myself "Do I /really/ love Roommate?". Or any of my other friends for that matter. It's a lot easier to tell your friends that you love them. Maybe it's because it doesn't really matter if you do or not- it's not a milestone in your relationship.
When I first considered falling in love with Other, I thought maybe it would be a hard choice. In some sense it is, but not in the way I expected. I thought maybe it would be hard because I would have some compelling reason not to, but I don't think that I do. I think the hard part is letting it happen. Watching it happen and not knowing if it will make you happy or if it will hurt you or both. I think that either way it would be good for me. I haven't loved anyone romantically in a long time. I sometimes wondered if maybe I had forgotten how.
Sometimes Other makes my heart swell with emotion. But I am wary of Emotion. It whispers that it is what love feels like and if it is love, it will be there for a long time. But of course, Emotion is fleeting. Sometimes it is there and sometimes it is not, I know this; that is how Emotion works. But I think that when Emotion shows up a lot probably that is a good sign for lovin'.
Other told me that they love me today. I sometimes wonder what other people mean when they say they love someone. I'm sometimes afraid that their definition of love doesn't match with my definition of love. What if their definition just means that they are visited by Emotion and it tricked them into thinking Emotion was love. Of course, asking is always an option, but perhaps not always a fruitful one. I don't really have a good definition for love for myself, so who am I to judge someone else's? I think that probably it's not so important to have a definition of love in mind, as long as you made the decision to love someone. For those of you keeping score at home, I told Other that "I think I might love [them] too". This is, in a sense, a weak answer, but the most accurate. I consider myself the sort of person who doesn't throw "love"s around willy nilly but I also feel that love is not so well defined. If you're going to love someone, you should just give yourself the benefit of the doubt and settle for a weak form of love and just call your feelings love. This way, you don't need to stress too much over the exact point when you hit love and you can let your weak form grow into the stronger form you were hoping for without the stress of a label riding on it.
Sometimes I try to think about what love is and I'm never very successful. I think it's something about accepting someone as they are and caring about them and wanting the best for them. I think maybe I'm a little too selfish, a little too demanding in this regard. I want to be more than just cared about as it's convenient; I want someone to want the best for me even when it is not what they want. I want someone to be happy for my triumphs even when those triumphs make them sad for themselves.
Sometimes I am subject to emotions that make my heart feel as though it is swelling with emotion and I want to cry for all the emotion. I can only describe it as emotions. When I am I full of this emotion, I think I may be tempted to call it love, but I'm pretty sure it's not that. Affection, maybe. Longing. Gratitude. I don't know. I call it emotion. I think that perhaps that is all it is. I do not think that it is love.
When I'm trying to understand love, I think of my relationship with Roommate. Though sometimes Roommate makes my heart swell with affection and gratitude, that is not the feeling of loving Roommate. I don't think there is a feeling of loving Roommate. I think there is mostly just a knowing. We've decided that we're soulmates and best friends forever, so we are. I would do anything within reason for Roommate, and maybe even some things that are not. It would hurt and be very hard, but I think that I could love Roommate and want the best for them even if they for some reason did not love me back.
It's not really fair to compare Other to Roommate. Other has only been around for a little while and Roommate is my soulmate. I don't really know what other points of comparison I have.
It strikes me now that it's kind of weird that I care so much about what love is. It never really mattered with Roommate. I never really thought to myself "Do I /really/ love Roommate?". Or any of my other friends for that matter. It's a lot easier to tell your friends that you love them. Maybe it's because it doesn't really matter if you do or not- it's not a milestone in your relationship.
When I first considered falling in love with Other, I thought maybe it would be a hard choice. In some sense it is, but not in the way I expected. I thought maybe it would be hard because I would have some compelling reason not to, but I don't think that I do. I think the hard part is letting it happen. Watching it happen and not knowing if it will make you happy or if it will hurt you or both. I think that either way it would be good for me. I haven't loved anyone romantically in a long time. I sometimes wondered if maybe I had forgotten how.
Sometimes Other makes my heart swell with emotion. But I am wary of Emotion. It whispers that it is what love feels like and if it is love, it will be there for a long time. But of course, Emotion is fleeting. Sometimes it is there and sometimes it is not, I know this; that is how Emotion works. But I think that when Emotion shows up a lot probably that is a good sign for lovin'.
Other told me that they love me today. I sometimes wonder what other people mean when they say they love someone. I'm sometimes afraid that their definition of love doesn't match with my definition of love. What if their definition just means that they are visited by Emotion and it tricked them into thinking Emotion was love. Of course, asking is always an option, but perhaps not always a fruitful one. I don't really have a good definition for love for myself, so who am I to judge someone else's? I think that probably it's not so important to have a definition of love in mind, as long as you made the decision to love someone. For those of you keeping score at home, I told Other that "I think I might love [them] too". This is, in a sense, a weak answer, but the most accurate. I consider myself the sort of person who doesn't throw "love"s around willy nilly but I also feel that love is not so well defined. If you're going to love someone, you should just give yourself the benefit of the doubt and settle for a weak form of love and just call your feelings love. This way, you don't need to stress too much over the exact point when you hit love and you can let your weak form grow into the stronger form you were hoping for without the stress of a label riding on it.
Monday, December 29, 2014
2014: A Year in Review
Yes! It's yet again time for a year in review post! I seemed to have missed last year. Whatever. And 2012 year in review post was not very long ago. Also whatever. Okay, but how to review the year? I don't really like the format from 2012. Well. Let's see. What happened.
My last semester of college. That was a good semester. Didn't take as many classes or do any TAing, so I had more time to concentrate on my senior capstone project, which was really nice and turned out awesome. I watched a lot of documentaries. Also watched a lot of random movies. between FILM club and Sunday night movies and my documentaries class, I watched a metric shit-ton of movies. I tried to do research. It didn't really work out. No Erdős number for me. Um. Spent a lot of time being kind of sexually frustrated as per my uz. I did end up getting my degree. That was nice I guess.
I had Roommate over for a little bit during the summer! We went camping. We were eaten by mosquitoes. Did a lot of Home State things. Nice.
I did a big European adventure! I went to Europe for a couple months. I even went by myself. It was pretty cool. This was blogged about. But I guess I can summarize my experience. It was very interesting. I met people. I saw people I knew. I did cool things like bike across a country on a bike I bought off of German Craigslist. I spent a week sleeping in a tent on an island for a music festival. I spent a week in Norway. I visited the hometown of my Norwegian ancestry. It was a really interesting experience. Some things went to shit. Nothing went to shit too badly. I mean. My phone got a little water-logged so I had to get a new one. And that went to shit a little bit, that that all got fixed up. And my bike got a bad flat and I didn't have the tools to fix it really, but there was a gas station pretty close by and some friendly German people so that worked out. I guess there was a not very friendly Italian guy early on, but I got out of there too. Oh and I guess my knee was a little broken early on too, but that wasn't anything an ace bandage couldn't fix. Oh and poison plants. I'm pretty sure Austria is full of nettles. Oh and the ants. Ants everywhere. Crawling on you. These things are more inconveniences though than things going to shit. For the most part things were fine. I did a lot of walking around. A lot of biking around. A lot of hating cities on bikes. Some sleeping under bridges. Some eating wild blackberries. For a lot of the trip I wished that I had someone traveling with me. I did meet up with some people which was fun and I did make some friends which was also fun, but I think I maybe could have gotten more out of the places I visited if I were a little braver and more adventurous. The kind of adventurous you can be when you have a cohort. But it was nice to spend a lot of time by myself too. I think I got to appreciate myself a little bit more. I realized that if I described my adventures to me, I would have thought that I sounded really cool, which is kind of an awesome feeling that you're becoming the kind of person you wish you were. Apparently you can kind of just do it. You can just be the kind of person you wish you were if you're brave enough. I spent a lot of time talking to myself. A lot of time singing to myself. A little bit of time drinking by myself. Some time being afraid by myself. At the time, I kind of felt like I didn't as much out of the trip as maybe I should have. Like maybe it wasn't awful enough, you know, maybe I didn't grow enough. But I think I did get a lot out of it. And I would like to do another, slightly more adventurous trip with somebody.
When I got back, I started working at my real person job, living in my real person apartment. The job is nice. Stable. Not the most exciting but with a good work-life balance. I am sometimes concerned that maybe I should be doing something more interesting. Maybe I will be soon when I 'm given a little bit more control of things. But I am a little concerned that maybe I should be sacrificing some work-life balance to work on something really cool. I feel like I should be pushing the boundaries of the current technology. That I should be doing something new. Ultimately I feel a bit like a cog in the machine. If I weren't doing the thing I'm doing someone else would be at approximately the same level of quality. Things happen because they must happen and it doesn't matter who does them. That got a little bleak. Job is actually a really nice place with nice people. I'm just not very important. None of us are. At least Job is probably doing good things that make the world a better place.
That's life now. I took salsa lessons for 10 weeks. But I don't really care about salsa. Maybe if it were a different kind of dancing I would have stuck with it. Or maybe if entering a community didn't terrify me. I think I would like to learn other kinds of dancing like Swing or Blues but I don't know if I have time right now. I think taking one weekly class is enough, and right now that's sketchy Chinese lessons. I think they're working. When I was back home, I could follow conversations better than normal because I know more words.
I also started a dating campaign, described elsewhere. It was exhausting when I was meeting lots of different people all at once. I was kind of hoping that the amount of effort would stay roughly constant as I transitioned from dating lots of people to just the one, but really I don't think it has. It's less draining for sure but also way more time consuming. I guess it will get less time consuming again as schedules normalize maybe. Also it's really nice. It's kind of strange to not be single and sexually frustrated. And also kind of intimidating since relationships are very new for me and I don't know what to expect. Probably the wise thing to do would be to expect nothing and never listen to articles on the internet about relationships because they're universally awful. Like if you fall into the traps of what society says Men and Women and relationships are like, then I don't really see how you don't have an awful relationship. I dunno. Maybe it works for people who aren't me. Or maybe labels are just fucking traps and fuck them and the boxes they try to put me in.
Should I do a bit with pop culture and number and things?
Why not. This one will be a bit lazier than the one I did for 2012.
Movies: I saw a fuckton. Most of them did not come out in 2014. Of the movies that did come out in 2014, I wanted to see but did not see quite a few of them. Meh. Not sure if this was once I saw in 2014 proper, but one notable film was The Act of Killing which is a kind of horrifying and painful documentary about a genocide from the perspective of the perpetrators. I also finally saw Mallrats which was super weird and I loved it. The last movie I saw was Birdman which was a little confusing towards the end but also really enjoyable and OH MAN Edward Norton.
TV: A lot of excellent TV has been happening and I can only watch so much. But it's fine, I'm fine with missing out on TV. I think for the most part, I do not feel like TV especially enriches my life however enjoyable it may be, with some exceptions. That said, Korra has been amazing for its final seasons. Fargo was also amazing. And Last Week Tonight is basically the best comedy news show ever and was for a while my actual source of actual news. I just finished watching Orange is the New Black and that was excellent as well. I tried catching up on Game of Thrones and also watching Breaking Bad and honestly I just don't care enough about these shows to bother.
Books: I actually read quite a bit while I was traveling in Europe. Sometimes you get tired of walking around or biking around all the time and can take an hour to read. Can't quite remember everything that I read though. I know I finished up the Game of Thrones books that are out. I read the Silkworm, by JKRowling. I had a book that I kept trading for other books. It went from Tuesdays with Morrie that some nice lady gave me at a garage sale to The Twelve Tribes of Hattie I think to Phantom Prey which was not a very good book but easy to read this turned into some kind of cold war spy thriller that I just could get into but I traded that for The Gift by David Flusfeder which I loved which then became The Matador of the Five Towns which was less easy to read but was enjoyable. There were things before then but I don't remember them. I'm pretty sure I finished at least two books while Roommate was visiting me. I tried reading Cloud Atlas, but had trouble getting into it. I'll probably try again. I also read John Dies at the End which was a lot of fun.
I feel like these year in review things would be a lot more interesting if I kept the data around instead of just saying the things I remember because that is so not the point but its better than nothing.
Oh! Resolutions!
- Blog more. Haha. Yeah. Let's go for once a month at least.
- Exercise more - let's say work out twice a week
- Do that thing where you pick something to do every day for a month.
- Do side projects. This one's kind of a doozy. It's something that I really feel like I should be doing more of but never seem to have the time. Obviously the time has to be made so maybe that's one of my month things to do.
My last semester of college. That was a good semester. Didn't take as many classes or do any TAing, so I had more time to concentrate on my senior capstone project, which was really nice and turned out awesome. I watched a lot of documentaries. Also watched a lot of random movies. between FILM club and Sunday night movies and my documentaries class, I watched a metric shit-ton of movies. I tried to do research. It didn't really work out. No Erdős number for me. Um. Spent a lot of time being kind of sexually frustrated as per my uz. I did end up getting my degree. That was nice I guess.
I had Roommate over for a little bit during the summer! We went camping. We were eaten by mosquitoes. Did a lot of Home State things. Nice.
I did a big European adventure! I went to Europe for a couple months. I even went by myself. It was pretty cool. This was blogged about. But I guess I can summarize my experience. It was very interesting. I met people. I saw people I knew. I did cool things like bike across a country on a bike I bought off of German Craigslist. I spent a week sleeping in a tent on an island for a music festival. I spent a week in Norway. I visited the hometown of my Norwegian ancestry. It was a really interesting experience. Some things went to shit. Nothing went to shit too badly. I mean. My phone got a little water-logged so I had to get a new one. And that went to shit a little bit, that that all got fixed up. And my bike got a bad flat and I didn't have the tools to fix it really, but there was a gas station pretty close by and some friendly German people so that worked out. I guess there was a not very friendly Italian guy early on, but I got out of there too. Oh and I guess my knee was a little broken early on too, but that wasn't anything an ace bandage couldn't fix. Oh and poison plants. I'm pretty sure Austria is full of nettles. Oh and the ants. Ants everywhere. Crawling on you. These things are more inconveniences though than things going to shit. For the most part things were fine. I did a lot of walking around. A lot of biking around. A lot of hating cities on bikes. Some sleeping under bridges. Some eating wild blackberries. For a lot of the trip I wished that I had someone traveling with me. I did meet up with some people which was fun and I did make some friends which was also fun, but I think I maybe could have gotten more out of the places I visited if I were a little braver and more adventurous. The kind of adventurous you can be when you have a cohort. But it was nice to spend a lot of time by myself too. I think I got to appreciate myself a little bit more. I realized that if I described my adventures to me, I would have thought that I sounded really cool, which is kind of an awesome feeling that you're becoming the kind of person you wish you were. Apparently you can kind of just do it. You can just be the kind of person you wish you were if you're brave enough. I spent a lot of time talking to myself. A lot of time singing to myself. A little bit of time drinking by myself. Some time being afraid by myself. At the time, I kind of felt like I didn't as much out of the trip as maybe I should have. Like maybe it wasn't awful enough, you know, maybe I didn't grow enough. But I think I did get a lot out of it. And I would like to do another, slightly more adventurous trip with somebody.
When I got back, I started working at my real person job, living in my real person apartment. The job is nice. Stable. Not the most exciting but with a good work-life balance. I am sometimes concerned that maybe I should be doing something more interesting. Maybe I will be soon when I 'm given a little bit more control of things. But I am a little concerned that maybe I should be sacrificing some work-life balance to work on something really cool. I feel like I should be pushing the boundaries of the current technology. That I should be doing something new. Ultimately I feel a bit like a cog in the machine. If I weren't doing the thing I'm doing someone else would be at approximately the same level of quality. Things happen because they must happen and it doesn't matter who does them. That got a little bleak. Job is actually a really nice place with nice people. I'm just not very important. None of us are. At least Job is probably doing good things that make the world a better place.
That's life now. I took salsa lessons for 10 weeks. But I don't really care about salsa. Maybe if it were a different kind of dancing I would have stuck with it. Or maybe if entering a community didn't terrify me. I think I would like to learn other kinds of dancing like Swing or Blues but I don't know if I have time right now. I think taking one weekly class is enough, and right now that's sketchy Chinese lessons. I think they're working. When I was back home, I could follow conversations better than normal because I know more words.
I also started a dating campaign, described elsewhere. It was exhausting when I was meeting lots of different people all at once. I was kind of hoping that the amount of effort would stay roughly constant as I transitioned from dating lots of people to just the one, but really I don't think it has. It's less draining for sure but also way more time consuming. I guess it will get less time consuming again as schedules normalize maybe. Also it's really nice. It's kind of strange to not be single and sexually frustrated. And also kind of intimidating since relationships are very new for me and I don't know what to expect. Probably the wise thing to do would be to expect nothing and never listen to articles on the internet about relationships because they're universally awful. Like if you fall into the traps of what society says Men and Women and relationships are like, then I don't really see how you don't have an awful relationship. I dunno. Maybe it works for people who aren't me. Or maybe labels are just fucking traps and fuck them and the boxes they try to put me in.
Should I do a bit with pop culture and number and things?
Why not. This one will be a bit lazier than the one I did for 2012.
Movies: I saw a fuckton. Most of them did not come out in 2014. Of the movies that did come out in 2014, I wanted to see but did not see quite a few of them. Meh. Not sure if this was once I saw in 2014 proper, but one notable film was The Act of Killing which is a kind of horrifying and painful documentary about a genocide from the perspective of the perpetrators. I also finally saw Mallrats which was super weird and I loved it. The last movie I saw was Birdman which was a little confusing towards the end but also really enjoyable and OH MAN Edward Norton.
TV: A lot of excellent TV has been happening and I can only watch so much. But it's fine, I'm fine with missing out on TV. I think for the most part, I do not feel like TV especially enriches my life however enjoyable it may be, with some exceptions. That said, Korra has been amazing for its final seasons. Fargo was also amazing. And Last Week Tonight is basically the best comedy news show ever and was for a while my actual source of actual news. I just finished watching Orange is the New Black and that was excellent as well. I tried catching up on Game of Thrones and also watching Breaking Bad and honestly I just don't care enough about these shows to bother.
Books: I actually read quite a bit while I was traveling in Europe. Sometimes you get tired of walking around or biking around all the time and can take an hour to read. Can't quite remember everything that I read though. I know I finished up the Game of Thrones books that are out. I read the Silkworm, by JKRowling. I had a book that I kept trading for other books. It went from Tuesdays with Morrie that some nice lady gave me at a garage sale to The Twelve Tribes of Hattie I think to Phantom Prey which was not a very good book but easy to read this turned into some kind of cold war spy thriller that I just could get into but I traded that for The Gift by David Flusfeder which I loved which then became The Matador of the Five Towns which was less easy to read but was enjoyable. There were things before then but I don't remember them. I'm pretty sure I finished at least two books while Roommate was visiting me. I tried reading Cloud Atlas, but had trouble getting into it. I'll probably try again. I also read John Dies at the End which was a lot of fun.
I feel like these year in review things would be a lot more interesting if I kept the data around instead of just saying the things I remember because that is so not the point but its better than nothing.
Oh! Resolutions!
- Blog more. Haha. Yeah. Let's go for once a month at least.
- Exercise more - let's say work out twice a week
- Do that thing where you pick something to do every day for a month.
- Do side projects. This one's kind of a doozy. It's something that I really feel like I should be doing more of but never seem to have the time. Obviously the time has to be made so maybe that's one of my month things to do.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
My Future Players
When I got back from Europe and decided to start living my adult life in earnest, I started an aggressive dating campaign. I updated my long-dormant okcupid profile and made a decision that I would keep the bar to going out with someone low. Pretty much anything that wasn't along the lines of "hey beautiful" was a-go. The theory is that talking to someone online is a great way to get to know someone. But seeing someone in person is a good way to filter out the people that you just don't want to go out with. Also going on a lot of dates would be a good way of meeting new people and doing cool things because City is a great place full of cool things and Roommates don't always have the time for it.
I rewrote my new profile to be more current in terms of reflecting what I do now and the current pop culture. I found my old profile to be a little pretentious and was embarrassed of the bits where I started waxing poetic. With the new profile I made a conscious effort to sound as person-like as possible. Like I was a real normal person with quirks and a bit of a nerdy side. I also took care to mention my goals (meeting cool people and doing cool things) and a light-hearted warning that I'm quiet. I felt that was only polite.
Profile complete, I let the messages roll in. I had enough coming in that I didn't actually feel the need to initiate any conversations. Looking people up is a lot of work and it was hard enough keeping up with the conversations I had going. I feel like maybe this is a bad thing but I also feel like I'm not a great judge of compatibility for me. I think mostly I'm like "this person seems really cool" or "I wish I was this person" which does not necessarily translate to "I want to date this person". I think that maybe I feel that way for everybody and actually need to meet the person to decide, so that's another reason for a low bar to getting a first date.
Here's a side note about talking to people on okcupid: It's weird. You're not friends. If someone can't think of a response to you, and therefore do not respond to you, YOU WILL NEVER TALK AGAIN. Perhaps friendship is when you just want to say a thing to a person without needing to respond to something they said. Perhaps best friendship is when you want to say something to a person and don't even care if they respond. Hm. Anyway. You get these conversations of extended smalltalk with the pressure to not drop the conversation. I would often drop the conversation. I'm bad like that. Talking to people is stressful. Anyway, it seems like all these conversations are about who you are, what you do, and what media you like to consume. It makes sense. These are like the only things you have to talk about. But it's not that interesting.
Oh, and another thing. Of the messages I received, many were of the "hey beautiful" variety and these were immediately ignored. Many were also of the "I love Korra!" variety. In fact, almost all initial references to media were about Korra. At first I responded to these because I too love Korra, but eventually started to ignore them and then later removed references to Korra from my profile. Many were also miscellaneous, low effort references to my profile, these were again initially responded to but eventually ignored. These things did not result in interesting conversations. I think also that forming a bond over a tv show is not an awesome way to start a relationship and indeed I have come to the conclusion that by looking at shared interests in terms of media you are filtering for social circles and taste rather than actual compatibility.
My campaign resulted in 4 dates from okcupid and 2 from mutual friends. Let's review them and see what we can learn..
Date1: Conversation was about what Date1 does (phd thesis- economics), what I do (software), what I like (fringe theater), and media (Korra). I was going to look at Date1's profile to recall more about him, but it turns out that it was deleted! Perhaps Date1 has f ound love! I recall that my pre-date impressions of this person was that I liked them less than Date2. I think I might have also thought that they were kind of dumb, but I can't remember why. We talked for about 2 weeks before meeting. I picked the date. It was dinner at a ramen place where they grade you. It seemed like a good time. I was a little late to our date because I'm bad at biking, but that seemed fine. Our conversation was a little awkward and stilted but I guess that's the expectation for a first date. I had a much better time with the schtick of the place than he did. Maybe he would have had a better time if he finished his ramen. In retrospect, he had kind of a negative attitude that wasn't great. Afterward we walked around a little bit and talked about graphic novels or some shit. It turns out dating people is good for getting recommendations to places and media and things. We parted ways shortly thereafter. I told them that I had a good time but I think there was an unspoken agreement that we would not meet again. Of all 6 first dates of my campaign, I believe this one was the worst.
Unrelated to this date, I later went to drink and play games with some friends and then later fell off my bike and cut myself up a bit and hit my head a little and also someone laughed at me. So in all and eventful but not amazing night.
Date2: This conversation was a little different. Conversation was about a lot of things and resulted in some rather long messages, starting with some meta discussion about my profile, thing I like (fibonacci numbers), thing they like (philosophy), thing I did (bike across Europe), thing I'm doing (learning to cook), thing I do (software), thing they do (law), place I'm from (Homestate), things people enjoy (board games, movies, etc.), things happening in life (fun shit like escape the room), and date ideas. Going back, it was really hard to make a summary of all things. Many words. much messaging. We talked for about 3 weeks before meeting in person. My initial impressions pre-date were that I liked them more than Date1 and that they seemed nice and interested in things. I did have concerns that maybe they were also kind of dumb because liberal arts major and because I thought their thesis was dumb. I also picked this date, though I think Date2 picked the theme (board games). We went to a cafe and played cribbage. This date went way better than the one with Date1. I think maybe board games are the ideal first date material. It's a fun thing that's also a conversation piece but doesn't get in the way of other conversation. It went super well we walked around places and got dinner at a place and made plans for another date pretty much immediately after. Of the six dates, this was the best. Coincidentally, we are continuing to date some two months hence, so well done Date2. For those wondering, I no longer think they're dumb but I still think Date2's thesis is dumb, but I don't hold it against them.
Date3: Conversation about thing we both like (Joey Comeau). We talked for about a week before meeting. My initial impressions prior to meeting them was that they were good looking but maybe a little bit arrogant, which is something that I think is kind of attractive anyway, which is not a good trait of mine but whatever. They picked this date. It was live-band karaoke at a pub. Apparently they do it pretty regularly. They were pretty good. I was not. Conversation was a little awkward and halting. Date3 was a little arrogant. Interestingly, I had created a whole mental narrative for them that suited my desires (nice grad student from Nice Tech School) much more than they actually fulfilled them (some person working in IT who wishes they could be a software developer). I had a good time. But it wasn't great. I considered asking if they wanted to make out with the full knowledge that I would never have to see them again. I did not. Date3 comes in at 5/6, which is to say second-worst.
Date4: Conversation felt very much like the shallow and mildly strained conversation of people who don't know each other very well. Discussed things to do in Local Area, basic background, and current activities. We talked for about 2.5 weeks before meeting. My pre-date impressions were that they seemed nice but i found it hard to really connect with them. I chose the date for this one. It was a chocolate and beer and cheese tasting event at a chocolate factory. Much chocolate was eaten. conversation was pretty good and only kind of awkward sometimes. We walked around a bit after. At the end I suggested that we might see each other again but that never happened. I don't know if they expected it to. It was a good time but again not great. And meeting in person pretty much confirmed pre-date impressions. 4/6.
Date5: This one I met at party, a birthday party for someone I didn't know. The story of us dating is kind of cute. They were talking about their kind of technical a job and I thought they were pretty cute cute but suspected that maybe they were already with someone. That someone later talked about some future dating plans of theirs, which ruled out that idea. Unfortunately, I left the party without attempting to get this person;s number or anything. I did mention to Roommate that I met a cute person and neglected to do anything about it. Roommate knows Birthday Boy but did not go to the party with me. Roommate suggested that I ask Birthday Boy for their info. I declined to do so. I was later hanging out with Birthday Boy (though it was no longer his birthday) and others and mentioned my dating campaign. It turns out that Date5 had mentioned me to Birthday Boy which then lead to Birthday Boy putting us in touch. This came with a suggested date of going to a burlesque, something that I mentioned wanting to do but being told that it was not an appropriate first date. Birthday Boy assured me that Date5 would be down. Thus it came to pass that we got dinner together and went to a burlesque show. It was an interesting experience. And funny and entertaining. Conversation was pretty good too. Other than Date2, Date5 is the only other person that I went on a second date with and continue to talk to occasionally. 2/6.
Date6: This is one of Roommate's co-workers. One that she had long thought would be a good fit for me in terms of being good-looking and well-adjusted and not very emotions. I had originally planned for this date to occur on the day of the date with Date5, but then I was exhausted from the days previous and pushed it back. We went to a bar and talked. Date6 claimed that this bar had games, but mostly it had Scrabble and that was pretty much it. so that was a little disappointing. But the rest of the date was pretty okay. I might have seen him again if I wasn't already seeing people that I like more. After seeing Date6, (or maybe slightly before) I decided to no longer accept new applications to the dating pool. 3/6.
The trends we see here are that my impressions prior to meeting a person were pretty consistent to my impressions afterword. The most successful date involved rather a lot of conversation, though the success of the remaining dates were not well correlated with the amount of conversation. I think this just indicates that a lot of conversation online helps translate to a lot of conversation in person which would tend to result in a better date. Also, I'm not sure if this is an artifact of me getting better at dates or not, but I think that dates gotten through mutual friends tend to be better than one gotten through okcupid (though this is not universally the case).
One aspect of my dating campaign was to try a triangle-shaped pattern in which I would date may people casually and as I became more serious dating people the number of people would drop. This would be à la the alt-text of http://xkcd.com/761/. I thought there was an actual comic about this, but I couldn't find anything else. I found it kind of exhausting. Meeting new people is exhausting. Maybe if the dating were very casual and I only saw a person every couple of weeks it might have worked. I also found it difficult to figure out how much I like people given how well I knew them. By the time I went on my second date with Date5, I already rather liked Date2, so it didn't seem quite fair to compare them.
I should say that with both Date2 and Date5, I tried to be very clear about my intentions with regards to my dating around and my feelings regarding them. Neither of them were especially happy about it but both accepted it. Communicating clearly with them both was very important to me and I think it helped a lot. I remain on good terms with the both of them so that's nice.
Should I feel the need to embark on another dating campaign in the future, I will take a more serial approach and make no references to any specific media. While I have bonded with many a person over my love of a tv show made for children, I don't especially want to start my friendship based on that. I really don't care if you like the tv that I like or not. I think I would also not answer anything initial messages less than a short paragraph and I would make more of an effort to initialize conversations, not writing any messages less than a paragraph myself.
I rewrote my new profile to be more current in terms of reflecting what I do now and the current pop culture. I found my old profile to be a little pretentious and was embarrassed of the bits where I started waxing poetic. With the new profile I made a conscious effort to sound as person-like as possible. Like I was a real normal person with quirks and a bit of a nerdy side. I also took care to mention my goals (meeting cool people and doing cool things) and a light-hearted warning that I'm quiet. I felt that was only polite.
Profile complete, I let the messages roll in. I had enough coming in that I didn't actually feel the need to initiate any conversations. Looking people up is a lot of work and it was hard enough keeping up with the conversations I had going. I feel like maybe this is a bad thing but I also feel like I'm not a great judge of compatibility for me. I think mostly I'm like "this person seems really cool" or "I wish I was this person" which does not necessarily translate to "I want to date this person". I think that maybe I feel that way for everybody and actually need to meet the person to decide, so that's another reason for a low bar to getting a first date.
Here's a side note about talking to people on okcupid: It's weird. You're not friends. If someone can't think of a response to you, and therefore do not respond to you, YOU WILL NEVER TALK AGAIN. Perhaps friendship is when you just want to say a thing to a person without needing to respond to something they said. Perhaps best friendship is when you want to say something to a person and don't even care if they respond. Hm. Anyway. You get these conversations of extended smalltalk with the pressure to not drop the conversation. I would often drop the conversation. I'm bad like that. Talking to people is stressful. Anyway, it seems like all these conversations are about who you are, what you do, and what media you like to consume. It makes sense. These are like the only things you have to talk about. But it's not that interesting.
Oh, and another thing. Of the messages I received, many were of the "hey beautiful" variety and these were immediately ignored. Many were also of the "I love Korra!" variety. In fact, almost all initial references to media were about Korra. At first I responded to these because I too love Korra, but eventually started to ignore them and then later removed references to Korra from my profile. Many were also miscellaneous, low effort references to my profile, these were again initially responded to but eventually ignored. These things did not result in interesting conversations. I think also that forming a bond over a tv show is not an awesome way to start a relationship and indeed I have come to the conclusion that by looking at shared interests in terms of media you are filtering for social circles and taste rather than actual compatibility.
My campaign resulted in 4 dates from okcupid and 2 from mutual friends. Let's review them and see what we can learn..
Date1: Conversation was about what Date1 does (phd thesis- economics), what I do (software), what I like (fringe theater), and media (Korra). I was going to look at Date1's profile to recall more about him, but it turns out that it was deleted! Perhaps Date1 has f ound love! I recall that my pre-date impressions of this person was that I liked them less than Date2. I think I might have also thought that they were kind of dumb, but I can't remember why. We talked for about 2 weeks before meeting. I picked the date. It was dinner at a ramen place where they grade you. It seemed like a good time. I was a little late to our date because I'm bad at biking, but that seemed fine. Our conversation was a little awkward and stilted but I guess that's the expectation for a first date. I had a much better time with the schtick of the place than he did. Maybe he would have had a better time if he finished his ramen. In retrospect, he had kind of a negative attitude that wasn't great. Afterward we walked around a little bit and talked about graphic novels or some shit. It turns out dating people is good for getting recommendations to places and media and things. We parted ways shortly thereafter. I told them that I had a good time but I think there was an unspoken agreement that we would not meet again. Of all 6 first dates of my campaign, I believe this one was the worst.
Unrelated to this date, I later went to drink and play games with some friends and then later fell off my bike and cut myself up a bit and hit my head a little and also someone laughed at me. So in all and eventful but not amazing night.
Date2: This conversation was a little different. Conversation was about a lot of things and resulted in some rather long messages, starting with some meta discussion about my profile, thing I like (fibonacci numbers), thing they like (philosophy), thing I did (bike across Europe), thing I'm doing (learning to cook), thing I do (software), thing they do (law), place I'm from (Homestate), things people enjoy (board games, movies, etc.), things happening in life (fun shit like escape the room), and date ideas. Going back, it was really hard to make a summary of all things. Many words. much messaging. We talked for about 3 weeks before meeting in person. My initial impressions pre-date were that I liked them more than Date1 and that they seemed nice and interested in things. I did have concerns that maybe they were also kind of dumb because liberal arts major and because I thought their thesis was dumb. I also picked this date, though I think Date2 picked the theme (board games). We went to a cafe and played cribbage. This date went way better than the one with Date1. I think maybe board games are the ideal first date material. It's a fun thing that's also a conversation piece but doesn't get in the way of other conversation. It went super well we walked around places and got dinner at a place and made plans for another date pretty much immediately after. Of the six dates, this was the best. Coincidentally, we are continuing to date some two months hence, so well done Date2. For those wondering, I no longer think they're dumb but I still think Date2's thesis is dumb, but I don't hold it against them.
Date3: Conversation about thing we both like (Joey Comeau). We talked for about a week before meeting. My initial impressions prior to meeting them was that they were good looking but maybe a little bit arrogant, which is something that I think is kind of attractive anyway, which is not a good trait of mine but whatever. They picked this date. It was live-band karaoke at a pub. Apparently they do it pretty regularly. They were pretty good. I was not. Conversation was a little awkward and halting. Date3 was a little arrogant. Interestingly, I had created a whole mental narrative for them that suited my desires (nice grad student from Nice Tech School) much more than they actually fulfilled them (some person working in IT who wishes they could be a software developer). I had a good time. But it wasn't great. I considered asking if they wanted to make out with the full knowledge that I would never have to see them again. I did not. Date3 comes in at 5/6, which is to say second-worst.
Date4: Conversation felt very much like the shallow and mildly strained conversation of people who don't know each other very well. Discussed things to do in Local Area, basic background, and current activities. We talked for about 2.5 weeks before meeting. My pre-date impressions were that they seemed nice but i found it hard to really connect with them. I chose the date for this one. It was a chocolate and beer and cheese tasting event at a chocolate factory. Much chocolate was eaten. conversation was pretty good and only kind of awkward sometimes. We walked around a bit after. At the end I suggested that we might see each other again but that never happened. I don't know if they expected it to. It was a good time but again not great. And meeting in person pretty much confirmed pre-date impressions. 4/6.
Date5: This one I met at party, a birthday party for someone I didn't know. The story of us dating is kind of cute. They were talking about their kind of technical a job and I thought they were pretty cute cute but suspected that maybe they were already with someone. That someone later talked about some future dating plans of theirs, which ruled out that idea. Unfortunately, I left the party without attempting to get this person;s number or anything. I did mention to Roommate that I met a cute person and neglected to do anything about it. Roommate knows Birthday Boy but did not go to the party with me. Roommate suggested that I ask Birthday Boy for their info. I declined to do so. I was later hanging out with Birthday Boy (though it was no longer his birthday) and others and mentioned my dating campaign. It turns out that Date5 had mentioned me to Birthday Boy which then lead to Birthday Boy putting us in touch. This came with a suggested date of going to a burlesque, something that I mentioned wanting to do but being told that it was not an appropriate first date. Birthday Boy assured me that Date5 would be down. Thus it came to pass that we got dinner together and went to a burlesque show. It was an interesting experience. And funny and entertaining. Conversation was pretty good too. Other than Date2, Date5 is the only other person that I went on a second date with and continue to talk to occasionally. 2/6.
Date6: This is one of Roommate's co-workers. One that she had long thought would be a good fit for me in terms of being good-looking and well-adjusted and not very emotions. I had originally planned for this date to occur on the day of the date with Date5, but then I was exhausted from the days previous and pushed it back. We went to a bar and talked. Date6 claimed that this bar had games, but mostly it had Scrabble and that was pretty much it. so that was a little disappointing. But the rest of the date was pretty okay. I might have seen him again if I wasn't already seeing people that I like more. After seeing Date6, (or maybe slightly before) I decided to no longer accept new applications to the dating pool. 3/6.
The trends we see here are that my impressions prior to meeting a person were pretty consistent to my impressions afterword. The most successful date involved rather a lot of conversation, though the success of the remaining dates were not well correlated with the amount of conversation. I think this just indicates that a lot of conversation online helps translate to a lot of conversation in person which would tend to result in a better date. Also, I'm not sure if this is an artifact of me getting better at dates or not, but I think that dates gotten through mutual friends tend to be better than one gotten through okcupid (though this is not universally the case).
One aspect of my dating campaign was to try a triangle-shaped pattern in which I would date may people casually and as I became more serious dating people the number of people would drop. This would be à la the alt-text of http://xkcd.com/761/. I thought there was an actual comic about this, but I couldn't find anything else. I found it kind of exhausting. Meeting new people is exhausting. Maybe if the dating were very casual and I only saw a person every couple of weeks it might have worked. I also found it difficult to figure out how much I like people given how well I knew them. By the time I went on my second date with Date5, I already rather liked Date2, so it didn't seem quite fair to compare them.
I should say that with both Date2 and Date5, I tried to be very clear about my intentions with regards to my dating around and my feelings regarding them. Neither of them were especially happy about it but both accepted it. Communicating clearly with them both was very important to me and I think it helped a lot. I remain on good terms with the both of them so that's nice.
Should I feel the need to embark on another dating campaign in the future, I will take a more serial approach and make no references to any specific media. While I have bonded with many a person over my love of a tv show made for children, I don't especially want to start my friendship based on that. I really don't care if you like the tv that I like or not. I think I would also not answer anything initial messages less than a short paragraph and I would make more of an effort to initialize conversations, not writing any messages less than a paragraph myself.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Fear and the overcoming thereof
Fear is dumb. Wasting all your time being afraid is dumb. Sometimes people tell me that I am brave for travelling alone. They are wrong. It's easy to do something daring when the choice is made by Past You. Sorry, Future Me, but I already bought your plane tickets! In reality, I am a very fearful person and it's dumb. People are sometimes fool enough to think that I am brave but it is just because I'm not afraid of things that other people are afraid of. I am, however, afraid of stupid shit like talking to people. I actually decided that I would rather starve (for a meal) than talk to a food-selling person. What the heck. It's the most idiotic thing I ever heard. Sometimes I did manage to get frustrated enough with myself to force myself to face my fears and buy food from a person or go to a restaurant alone, but somehow it didn't make facing people any less scary. whatever.
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
I'm not really sure how to stop being so afraid. Probably it involves facing your fears more than once. If I can, I would like to teach My Future Kids not to be afraid. Or at least to teach them not to let their fears cripple them. I want them to feel so absurdly safe that they feel like they can do anything. I want them to feel so absurdly safe that they /can/ do anything.
This seems like an appropriate time to include the litany against fear from Dune
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
On the Difference Between Knowing and Doing
One day, My Future Kids, like Current Me, will be subject to irrational frustrations. Perhaps they will also know that they are being irrational at the time. I'm not really sure what to do about that, other than to stew in my own frustration and also my meta-frustration over being irrationally frustrated. So fuck.
I know I shouldn't be mad at people, but of course knowing and doing are not the same. I don't really have any advice for this. Life sucks and you might as well acknowledge it, I guess.
There are further stories about how I propositioned a person and then got mad at them for various reasons, none of which are legitimate but which did compound with existing frustrations nonetheless.
I know that Person does not deserve my ire and I'm trying not to let it impact my behavior, but it can't be helped sometimes. Blah. Sorry, My Future Kids, sometimes you will be mad for no good reason and you will know it and you will not be able to stop.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
It's gonna be the future soon
My typical life strategy is to not think to much and do some stuff and everything will work out. This has worked for me in the past, but I admit that I am concerned about the future. In comes my secondary life strategy- break down the problem, preferably while blogging. So here goes.
1) Go to grad school. Probably I would go for AI or some shit, but I don't actually know what that really means.
4) Surprise bonus option: become a crack whore
I don't really know what I'm going to do with my life and I've got that choice paralysis. Senior year is upon me and the time has come to choose a direction. So from what I can see, these are my options:
0) Do nothing/ do whatever (aka the easiest and most profitable option, or you know, whatever. Believe in the heart of the cards!)
Happiness and fulfillment is a journey, not a destination. My life directly after graduating won't dictate the entire rest of my life. Seriously, chill the fuck out, me.Okay here comes the hard part. Addressing the myriad possibilities post-graduation.
Counterpoint- You will probably want stability in your adult life. That means a final decision at some point. Also, just doing whatever isn't necessarily helpful towards achieving goals and being the person you want to be. You'll be alive, probably, but what else will you be? Have a little ambition for Pete's sake.
Countercounterpoint- Doing many things and picking your favorite is a pretty good strategy in general. Anneal yo' life, bro.
Counter{3}point- Many options in life take time. Years. And you only have so many. Do you really want to try everything? It takes like ten years of hard work to become and expert in anything. YOU'RE ONLY GETTING OLDER, BUB.
1) Go to grad school. Probably I would go for AI or some shit, but I don't actually know what that really means.
If you want to do something great, probably you will need some schooling to do it. You could be a code monkey for the rest of your days, but will it get you to the top of Maslow's hierarchy?2) Get a job. As a software developer this would be easy and bring in the fat stacks. (Note that I have an offer already, so I can be cavalier)
Counterpoint- Counterpoints are manifold.
1) Grad school is an investment of years and years of your life and you don't even really know what you want to go for. You're dumb.
2) Who needs greatness to be happy?
3) Like the tip of Maslow's hierarchy is a place you can actually get. Like Maslow's hierarchy is even a real thing. Screw you.
Countercounterpoints-
1) How do you know what you want to do until you do it?
2) Um, you? Maybe?
You need to get some kind of money-generator sometime. And software development is perfect for a talentless fuck such as yourself.3) Run away.
Counterpoint- What if being a dev isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life?
Countercounterpoint- Oh, I'm sorry a fun job and lots of money isn't good enough for you. Fuck you.
Perfect for not having any money or any lasting relationships. This is obviously the best plan.It's probably not a coincidence that my current plan is all of these. ie Run away, go work, and then maybe grad school.
4) Surprise bonus option: become a crack whore
Just kidding. Never be a crack whore. Do literally anything but that and your life goal of never being a crack whore will be met. Do not disappoint me, Future Me.
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