If I had one real piece of advice to give, it would be this: just pick something.
Roommate has a different philosophy. She thinks that given sufficient research, a correct decision can be made and precious time can be saved from doing the wrong thing. I disagree.
I feel vaguely as though I have written about this before. It's certainly come up before, life-wise. It doesn't matter. It's important and therefore gets to get repeat mentions. Onward!
So here's the thing: there are actually no right answers. I should say there is no Right answer but perhaps plenty of right answers and certainly Wrong answers, but maybe you can't always tell which ones are Wrong and sometimes you think an answer is Wrong but it's not or maybe some answers are wrong sometimes and right other times. Well, life is complicated like that. For clarity, I'm intentionally speaking in a very broad context, because I think this advice is broadly applicable. Whenever you need to make a decision, really.
For now though, let's talk about deciding what you want to do with your life. Just pick something. People are afraid of closing doors, but, honestly, options make people less happy (proven with science!). You were not born for the sole purpose of doing any one thing (well other than continue your genetic line). You don't need to find that thing you were destined to do. You just do things. Once you've eliminated all the things you don't want to do, you have many valid options. If you have some reason to choose one above the others, do it. If you don't, it really doesn't matter which you pick, then, does it? So just pick one. Roommate would probably suggest introspection to determine what you want and research into your options to see if that is indeed what you want. I don't think that it's possible to know what something is like. To know if that is truly what you want, until you try it. Just pick one. Seriously. If it's not the Wrong option, you'll probably be happy enough. There are no guarantees that you'll be happier elsewhere, and since people tend towards some midline of happiness regardless of their situation, you probably won't be happier elsewhere. As long as you're happy enough. If you're not happy enough, then you can do something different. Change your career. Get a hobby. Whatever. It's not there is only one source of happiness. I forget sometimes that lots (most?) of people don't tie their identities to their careers. A career is just a way to get money. Happiness can come from anywhere. So just try to avoid things that actively make you unhappy.
People from the Midwest are notoriously indecisive. Maybe this is true elsewhere as well, I don't know. No one wants to make a decision because no one has any real objections to anything and everyone just wants to make sure everyone else is happy. Then people just stand around going "oh, I dunno, whatever you want." Just pick something.
I like the Just Pick Something mindset, because the only decision that I really need to make is that it doesn't matter. Once that's decided, it's easy and decisions can be made by just pointing at random. Even if it is the Wrong decision, you will very probably survive. And if you don't, I'm going to guess there wasn't much to be done about it anyway.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Season's Greetings
I hate Hallmark cards. They seem so... fake. Phonies! Every one of 'em. They seem so impersonal. Those words are not your own. How can you give me this card with these words that are not yours? I think that I shouldn't hate them. We cannot all put our thoughts and feelings into words, but that doesn't mean that they are not there. That they are not real. And yet, I can't stand to read someone else's words telling me how much you care. Maybe you carefully flipped through cards looking for the one with exactly the right sentiment. But maybe you picked the first one that was applicable. It's all the same to me. If you had something to say, why not just say it, awkward phrasing and all?
Mother gave me a Hallmark card. My first instinct when reading a card is to read only that which was written by hand and to skip anything that wasn't. They made me read it. The sentiment was nice though I have since forgotten it. She gave Father a Hallmark card too. He appreciated his more than I mine. I think he got a little chocked up reading it. I didn't understand why. I feel like Hallmark cards are full of sweet sentiments that really don't mean anything, not when you buy them. You can talk about what a kind and caring and gentle person I am, but I won't believe you. I will believe that you wanted to say something nice to me and could only think of banalities like what a nice person I am. It's the kind of thing children write about one another when they have to. Tell me to Have A Great Summer!!! why don't you.
Thinking about it, I don't have things to say about people. I don't have reasons for liking or caring about people. I just do. I have reasons for admiring people. I have reasons for disliking people. But I couldn't really tell you why some people are my friends and others mere acquaintances. There are reasons, sure, but I think most them amount to being in the right place at the right time and having sufficiently compatible personalities, not because of how great some person or another is. I guess I don't really have anything better to say to people than Hey, I like you and I like spending time with you. But at least it's genuine, or something.
Mother gave me a Hallmark card. My first instinct when reading a card is to read only that which was written by hand and to skip anything that wasn't. They made me read it. The sentiment was nice though I have since forgotten it. She gave Father a Hallmark card too. He appreciated his more than I mine. I think he got a little chocked up reading it. I didn't understand why. I feel like Hallmark cards are full of sweet sentiments that really don't mean anything, not when you buy them. You can talk about what a kind and caring and gentle person I am, but I won't believe you. I will believe that you wanted to say something nice to me and could only think of banalities like what a nice person I am. It's the kind of thing children write about one another when they have to. Tell me to Have A Great Summer!!! why don't you.
Thinking about it, I don't have things to say about people. I don't have reasons for liking or caring about people. I just do. I have reasons for admiring people. I have reasons for disliking people. But I couldn't really tell you why some people are my friends and others mere acquaintances. There are reasons, sure, but I think most them amount to being in the right place at the right time and having sufficiently compatible personalities, not because of how great some person or another is. I guess I don't really have anything better to say to people than Hey, I like you and I like spending time with you. But at least it's genuine, or something.
Monday, December 24, 2012
A Holiday Reprise
Yes, it's that time of year again, it's time for... Holiday Angst! I leave the flashing lights and animated gifs to the reader's imagination. My Christmas eve was very efficient this year. Dinner in twenty minutes. No conversation. Presents a similarly no-nonsense affair. It's nice though. One present each and probably they're not terrible. But it still feels like something is missing, and it's not just the tree.
I think, at some level, traditions are about the hassle and the bustle. They're about doing things with your family/familial group because it's what you always do together. It's not about liking it. It's about doing a thing with your familial group to be with them.
Okay, not a lot of Holiday Angst this time around. If you're looking for more angst, check back next time!
I don't know what it is about the holidays but they make me feel lonely.
I think, at some level, traditions are about the hassle and the bustle. They're about doing things with your family/familial group because it's what you always do together. It's not about liking it. It's about doing a thing with your familial group to be with them.
Okay, not a lot of Holiday Angst this time around. If you're looking for more angst, check back next time!
I don't know what it is about the holidays but they make me feel lonely.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Practical Psychology
A few days ago I finished my Psych 101 course and I have a few things to share with Future Me.
The marshmallow test:
A simple test to measure, I dunno, a kid's ability to wait for shit. The point is that kids who are successful tend to be better at life, from school, to relationships, to professional success, whatever, they're better at it.
So here what you do: Give the kid a marshmallow. Tell them that you're going to leave the room for fifteen minutes. if the marshmallow is still there, they'll get a second one.
Anyway, if they fail the test, they will take it again later and again after that until they succeed. And probably again a few times after that just to make sure it isn't a fluke.
On conditioning:
Okay, so there's two types of conditioning: classical and operant. Classical conditioning associates a stimulus with a reflex. The stimulus has to come before whatever causes the reflex, so keep that in mind. Operant conditioning associates a behavior with a reward. Now, an important thing to note is that it's easier to condition people if you offer the reward every time they do the thing you want, but it's also easier to become unconditioned. If you don't give a reward every time, it encourages them to do it more and it takes longer for them to become unconditioned, even if takes longer for them to get conditioned in the first place. Strategize, Future Me!
You can also influence My Future Kids to change their attitudes. Condition them to associate ideas with either good or bad things. Influence their behavior by modeling it because they eat that shit up. Pysch Prof got his kid to wear a shirt by putting on the kid's shirt. They love that stuff. This is what advertisements are made of.
If there is one thing you didn't know that you know now and should make an effort to still know in the indeterminate future from Pysch, it's that thoughts follow from behavior, though you may perceive the contrary. Let me tell you what I mean. People do things. I don't think they know why. They may have reasons, but I don't think they know them. You get me? They do things and make up why after the fact. Maybe they're right, but who knows? Not them.
Let me walk you through an example, because I know you're a bit rusty, Future Me. Let's talk about feelings. You see a bear. Two things happen, you have the physiological response (adrenaline rush) and the emotion of fear. Common sense dictates that you see the bear and become frightened, which triggers the physiological response. False. I think current models say that seeing the bear triggers the physiological response before you ever get the feeling of being afraid. You then note the situation, conclude that you ought to be afraid and then become afraid. You don't need the physiological response, but it does help. It's like how biting a pencil makes you happier because it's kind of like smiling.
Now, before you start talking about false equivalences between behavior and physiological responses. let's talk about another study. It involved giving people a tedious task with either a large or small reward (money). People given the larger reward found the task to be more boring than those not given as much (I don't remember whether or not they were paid at all). It is thought that people who got the reward assessed the situation and assumed that they did the task even though it was tedious because of the reward whereas those who did not receive had no other reason to do it, so they must have enjoyed it.
I find this to be reminiscent of the difference between work that I have to do and work that I do not have to do. It's a lot more enjoyable when I don't have to do it even when it's the exact same work. Just keep this in mind when you're trying to get My Future Kids to do shit.
Also, it looks like, as long as you're rich enough (i.e. not poor), there isn't much you can do to make My Future Kids smarter except bang smart people. So good news there. And no need to worry! Thanks, science!
Oh, and if you feel like tricking My Future Kids when they are young (5ish), they really have no sense of conservation (except for numbers <= 5 or so). The point is that taller and more spread out is more. So guess who's getting 5 pieces of Halloween candy until they understand there are numbers greater than five? It's not you, Future Me. Reese's Cups are for people who can count them. Tough luck, My Future Kids.
Speaking of child development, apparently bilingual kids are better at some sorting game, indicating that they're better at switching modes or something. I don't really know what the study meant. Anyway they're better at it so I guess that's cool? I don't think that being bilingual makes them smarter, but it doesn't hurt, so why not?
That's all I can remember for now. Godspeed, Future Me.
The marshmallow test:
A simple test to measure, I dunno, a kid's ability to wait for shit. The point is that kids who are successful tend to be better at life, from school, to relationships, to professional success, whatever, they're better at it.
So here what you do: Give the kid a marshmallow. Tell them that you're going to leave the room for fifteen minutes. if the marshmallow is still there, they'll get a second one.
Anyway, if they fail the test, they will take it again later and again after that until they succeed. And probably again a few times after that just to make sure it isn't a fluke.
On conditioning:
Okay, so there's two types of conditioning: classical and operant. Classical conditioning associates a stimulus with a reflex. The stimulus has to come before whatever causes the reflex, so keep that in mind. Operant conditioning associates a behavior with a reward. Now, an important thing to note is that it's easier to condition people if you offer the reward every time they do the thing you want, but it's also easier to become unconditioned. If you don't give a reward every time, it encourages them to do it more and it takes longer for them to become unconditioned, even if takes longer for them to get conditioned in the first place. Strategize, Future Me!
You can also influence My Future Kids to change their attitudes. Condition them to associate ideas with either good or bad things. Influence their behavior by modeling it because they eat that shit up. Pysch Prof got his kid to wear a shirt by putting on the kid's shirt. They love that stuff. This is what advertisements are made of.
If there is one thing you didn't know that you know now and should make an effort to still know in the indeterminate future from Pysch, it's that thoughts follow from behavior, though you may perceive the contrary. Let me tell you what I mean. People do things. I don't think they know why. They may have reasons, but I don't think they know them. You get me? They do things and make up why after the fact. Maybe they're right, but who knows? Not them.
Let me walk you through an example, because I know you're a bit rusty, Future Me. Let's talk about feelings. You see a bear. Two things happen, you have the physiological response (adrenaline rush) and the emotion of fear. Common sense dictates that you see the bear and become frightened, which triggers the physiological response. False. I think current models say that seeing the bear triggers the physiological response before you ever get the feeling of being afraid. You then note the situation, conclude that you ought to be afraid and then become afraid. You don't need the physiological response, but it does help. It's like how biting a pencil makes you happier because it's kind of like smiling.
Now, before you start talking about false equivalences between behavior and physiological responses. let's talk about another study. It involved giving people a tedious task with either a large or small reward (money). People given the larger reward found the task to be more boring than those not given as much (I don't remember whether or not they were paid at all). It is thought that people who got the reward assessed the situation and assumed that they did the task even though it was tedious because of the reward whereas those who did not receive had no other reason to do it, so they must have enjoyed it.
I find this to be reminiscent of the difference between work that I have to do and work that I do not have to do. It's a lot more enjoyable when I don't have to do it even when it's the exact same work. Just keep this in mind when you're trying to get My Future Kids to do shit.
Also, it looks like, as long as you're rich enough (i.e. not poor), there isn't much you can do to make My Future Kids smarter except bang smart people. So good news there. And no need to worry! Thanks, science!
Oh, and if you feel like tricking My Future Kids when they are young (5ish), they really have no sense of conservation (except for numbers <= 5 or so). The point is that taller and more spread out is more. So guess who's getting 5 pieces of Halloween candy until they understand there are numbers greater than five? It's not you, Future Me. Reese's Cups are for people who can count them. Tough luck, My Future Kids.
Speaking of child development, apparently bilingual kids are better at some sorting game, indicating that they're better at switching modes or something. I don't really know what the study meant. Anyway they're better at it so I guess that's cool? I don't think that being bilingual makes them smarter, but it doesn't hurt, so why not?
That's all I can remember for now. Godspeed, Future Me.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
It Takes a Network
I just watched a really depressing movie. Now I'm too sad to work and too caffeinated to cry myself to sleep. Also Roommate told me to journal about the feels, so here I am.
I can't really pinpoint what I'm feeling except that it's bad. I just feel kind of shitty. It kind of reminds me of how I felt after watching Requiem for a Dream, except a different kind of shitty. The movie I watched was Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father: Basically, it's a documentary full of all the memories about a man who was murdered by an ex-lover who was pregnant with his child. The movie was made by his best friend from childhood and features his parents prominently. I think the parent-child relationships really get me. And those relationships where you really, really, love each other. There is something really beautiful and heartbreaking about that kind of love. This guy had tons of people who really loved him.
I wonder, and I feel bad for wondering, if I could be any of those people. Do I, will I ever have relationships like those? I can imagine my dad in the place of his dad. Typically calm and logical, with a good hold on his emotions, suddenly mad and sad and angry. My parents would act like his parents even though I don't have as good a relationship with them as he did. It makes me feel bad that I don't make more of an effort to stay in touch with the 'rents, but it also makes me uncomfortable when people love me a lot more than I love them. So that's that.
I have accepted, though, that my relationship with My Future Kids will be much the same. I will love them rather a lot, and they will love me rather less, and that's okay. I do hope that I will know My Future Kids better than Parents know me. I feel like that network of family and friends is so important and I kind of feel like I missed out on that. I've seen Mother's side of the family once in my life and do not even know their names. I know Father's immediate family and progeny but only Grandmother and Cool Aunt lived nearby. No one is even my age, really. I'm probably closest in age to my cousin's kid who's starting high school, I think. I'm not even friends with any of the people I was friends with in elementary school.
Sometimes I wonder where the line is between a friend and an acquaintance I'm friendly with more people than I used to be, but I don't exactly hang out with people. In typical Midwestern Fashion, I'm not really into having a lot of friends, more a few very close friends. I have a couple, but sometimes I worry about being left behind. There are a few people that I like a lot, and it doesn't really matter to me how they feel about me. I wonder if that's why I don't have many friends: because I tend not to care what people think of me; I think it's a vulnerability thing. I'm trying to be more open. To make friends by being happy to see everyone. I don't really know if it works. I'm still kind of afraid of people.
On a related note, I just unbuttoned Roommate's pants for her because she just painted her nails. So I guess I can't be that badly off.
I can't really pinpoint what I'm feeling except that it's bad. I just feel kind of shitty. It kind of reminds me of how I felt after watching Requiem for a Dream, except a different kind of shitty. The movie I watched was Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father: Basically, it's a documentary full of all the memories about a man who was murdered by an ex-lover who was pregnant with his child. The movie was made by his best friend from childhood and features his parents prominently. I think the parent-child relationships really get me. And those relationships where you really, really, love each other. There is something really beautiful and heartbreaking about that kind of love. This guy had tons of people who really loved him.
I wonder, and I feel bad for wondering, if I could be any of those people. Do I, will I ever have relationships like those? I can imagine my dad in the place of his dad. Typically calm and logical, with a good hold on his emotions, suddenly mad and sad and angry. My parents would act like his parents even though I don't have as good a relationship with them as he did. It makes me feel bad that I don't make more of an effort to stay in touch with the 'rents, but it also makes me uncomfortable when people love me a lot more than I love them. So that's that.
I have accepted, though, that my relationship with My Future Kids will be much the same. I will love them rather a lot, and they will love me rather less, and that's okay. I do hope that I will know My Future Kids better than Parents know me. I feel like that network of family and friends is so important and I kind of feel like I missed out on that. I've seen Mother's side of the family once in my life and do not even know their names. I know Father's immediate family and progeny but only Grandmother and Cool Aunt lived nearby. No one is even my age, really. I'm probably closest in age to my cousin's kid who's starting high school, I think. I'm not even friends with any of the people I was friends with in elementary school.
Sometimes I wonder where the line is between a friend and an acquaintance I'm friendly with more people than I used to be, but I don't exactly hang out with people. In typical Midwestern Fashion, I'm not really into having a lot of friends, more a few very close friends. I have a couple, but sometimes I worry about being left behind. There are a few people that I like a lot, and it doesn't really matter to me how they feel about me. I wonder if that's why I don't have many friends: because I tend not to care what people think of me; I think it's a vulnerability thing. I'm trying to be more open. To make friends by being happy to see everyone. I don't really know if it works. I'm still kind of afraid of people.
On a related note, I just unbuttoned Roommate's pants for her because she just painted her nails. So I guess I can't be that badly off.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
My Future Scientists
I watched a TED Talk today that inspired me. Children are actually brilliantly creative. Possibly because they haven't quite gotten to the point of feeling the pressures of societal expectations or the idea of others judging their work.
My theory is that children are all roughly the same. They may have different personalities, but I suspect that children are all in the same general range in terms of intelligence and creativity. This makes children somewhat like tools that you can use almost interchangeably. Tools for science.
The talk I watched was about using a bunch of kids to write a scientific paper. Kids love science. I can get My Future Kids to do science. Get them to write a paper. That would be awesome. I could get them to do it all the time. Once or twice a year, maybe. What are kids in elementary through middle school even doing anyway? Acquiring general knowledge and waiting to get older so they're easier to work with. Pah! They could be doing science! Real science. Not that stuff that's learning about other people's science. Real science! I will probably need to find out how they prompted the kids to get a question out of them and found the resources to try to answer that question. I hope they wrote a paper on getting kids to do some real science.
I remember trying to do science in 5th grade or so. That science was terrible. I only really tested things that I already knew the answer to and that would be easy to perform. I think the trick is to start by asking a lot of questions and then finding someone with a lab and the resources to help you answer that question.
I think the framing is important too. It's a lot easier to think of things to explore when you really are exploring. Much easier than when a teacher says "do some science for me, you'll need to start with a hypothesis...". For some reason it's a lot easier and more fun to do things that you don't have to do. I don't really know why. Maybe it's a motivation thing. Once you have to do something, the motivation is that you have to, whereas if you don't, the motivation is that it's an interesting thing that you want to do and can stop if you don't want to do it anymore.
My theory is that children are all roughly the same. They may have different personalities, but I suspect that children are all in the same general range in terms of intelligence and creativity. This makes children somewhat like tools that you can use almost interchangeably. Tools for science.
The talk I watched was about using a bunch of kids to write a scientific paper. Kids love science. I can get My Future Kids to do science. Get them to write a paper. That would be awesome. I could get them to do it all the time. Once or twice a year, maybe. What are kids in elementary through middle school even doing anyway? Acquiring general knowledge and waiting to get older so they're easier to work with. Pah! They could be doing science! Real science. Not that stuff that's learning about other people's science. Real science! I will probably need to find out how they prompted the kids to get a question out of them and found the resources to try to answer that question. I hope they wrote a paper on getting kids to do some real science.
I remember trying to do science in 5th grade or so. That science was terrible. I only really tested things that I already knew the answer to and that would be easy to perform. I think the trick is to start by asking a lot of questions and then finding someone with a lab and the resources to help you answer that question.
I think the framing is important too. It's a lot easier to think of things to explore when you really are exploring. Much easier than when a teacher says "do some science for me, you'll need to start with a hypothesis...". For some reason it's a lot easier and more fun to do things that you don't have to do. I don't really know why. Maybe it's a motivation thing. Once you have to do something, the motivation is that you have to, whereas if you don't, the motivation is that it's an interesting thing that you want to do and can stop if you don't want to do it anymore.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Lives of Scale
I was at a talk about start-ups today. I'm not really interested in starting a company, but they mentioned something interesting.They said that it's easier to transition from being a student to running a start-up than from working for a large company to running a start-up. You know, because students are poor and work all the time and so do start-up owners, whereas people at large companies get paid a ton and have very set hours. Once you get paid more, you start spending more. I notice this a bit when I actually started getting the meager income I do from student employment. I sometimes buy things because I want them now. I'm still a cheap bastard, but how will that change when I actually start making real money?
At some level, the more fund you have, the greater your tie to your money, and the less freedom you have. Suddenly the things you do cost money. Suddenly you have a mortgage; you have responsibilities. Suddenly you can't just get up and leave. And what if you wake up one day and don't like where you are?
At some point or another, My Future Kids will exist, I will have very real responsibilities regardless of how much money I make. Until then, however, it will just be me and maybe Spouse. Don't get me wrong, I want to work for some company and make the big bucks. I just don't want the big bucks to hold me back, well as little as possible, anyway. I realize that any kind of job security with the big bucks comes at a cost. But I decided something. If I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck, I won't.
But I can see how the money is dangerous. Why would I live with roommates if I don't have to? Why would I live an hour away from my work if I don't have to? Why would I live in a tiny, grody, apartment when I can afford a nice one? But it comes at a price. If I stop bringing in the big bucks, will I still be okay?
I don't want to be stuck somewhere that I don't want to be. At some level, I don't even want to stuck somewhere that I do want to be. Ideally, I will be able to make enough money, and live in such a way that if I so decided, I can pack up and go and still be able to sustain myself for a while.
One of the things that frightens me the most is the slow death of complacency. It's so tempting to take the easier route. I like to pretend that somewhere, out there, there is something that I'm passionate about. But suppose no such thing exists, suppose I only find things that I'm merely happy or satisfied doing, if that. This is the reason that I'm afraid of going to grad school right after getting my degree. What if I never leave academia because it's so much easier to go to school for the rest of my life? What I never leave my cushy job at Major Company because it's so much easier to rake in the dough than to do something that excites me? Becoming dependent on my job at Major Company will only make it easier to shut my eyes and forget that there was anything else that I wanted to do. It's scary to throw your fortune to the wind. But being scared is something that I need to do. To be a better person or some shit. Are you ever more alive than when you are scared for your life? I don't really know. I've never done it, but it's a romantic idea I suppose.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
My Future Slutwhores
In all likelihood, one day My Future Kids will fall in love and one day they will have sex. If they are normal, well-adjusted human beings, this post can be forever ignored. Otherwise, they can take solace in the fact that Their Future Parent is also mal-adjusted? Hopefully, one day Future Me, too, will be normal and well-adjusted and upon rereading this post will smile and shake my head knowingly remembering the times before my happy and sexy relationship with Spouse. But we can't all be normal and well-adjusted and that's why this post exists.
I am a bit... quirky in terms of how I relate love and lust. More specifically, I don't. Sometimes I want lovin' and sometimes I want lustin', and however pleased I would be to have a relationship that involved both, I somehow can't put them together. I just don't really see how they're related.
I sometimes think that I would make an excellent prostitute. Well, as far as not being too concerned with exchanging sex for money is concerned.
When I was younger I had crushes. Great crushes that lasted years. I stopped getting them since high school. I once dated a person that I had a crush on for over a year (though not while dating them). It wasn't great. And it only lasted as long as it did because of its expiration date. I don't have crushes anymore, but I do have people that I want to respect me. However, these people are not people I would be particularly interested in getting naked with, or like, kissing them and stuff. So maybe the crushes of the past were kind of dumb but at least they were clear. Now all I have is people I would be interested in kissing and people I want to hang out with as mutually exclusive set.
Maybe my problem is that I know the people around me too well. They've all settled into their respective groups and are there to stay. New people that I meet often seem both interesting and attractive, so maybe I just need to get out more.
Anyway, the reason that I decided to write this is because I've been thinking. I tend to think that as a rule, I don't mind people wanting me for my body. But actually, sometimes I do mind. I mind when people who are supposed to like me for me use me for my body. I'm not really sure why. But I do mind. Maybe it's because I don't like feeling used? At least when I'm not also doing some using? That doesn't seem quite right. I don't want people I want to be friends with to only hang out with me to get in my pants. Maybe I just get uncomfortable with their ability to associate love and lust.
Welp, My Future Kids, I hope that someday you will read this and thank me for your flourishing escort service.
I am a bit... quirky in terms of how I relate love and lust. More specifically, I don't. Sometimes I want lovin' and sometimes I want lustin', and however pleased I would be to have a relationship that involved both, I somehow can't put them together. I just don't really see how they're related.
I sometimes think that I would make an excellent prostitute. Well, as far as not being too concerned with exchanging sex for money is concerned.
When I was younger I had crushes. Great crushes that lasted years. I stopped getting them since high school. I once dated a person that I had a crush on for over a year (though not while dating them). It wasn't great. And it only lasted as long as it did because of its expiration date. I don't have crushes anymore, but I do have people that I want to respect me. However, these people are not people I would be particularly interested in getting naked with, or like, kissing them and stuff. So maybe the crushes of the past were kind of dumb but at least they were clear. Now all I have is people I would be interested in kissing and people I want to hang out with as mutually exclusive set.
Maybe my problem is that I know the people around me too well. They've all settled into their respective groups and are there to stay. New people that I meet often seem both interesting and attractive, so maybe I just need to get out more.
Anyway, the reason that I decided to write this is because I've been thinking. I tend to think that as a rule, I don't mind people wanting me for my body. But actually, sometimes I do mind. I mind when people who are supposed to like me for me use me for my body. I'm not really sure why. But I do mind. Maybe it's because I don't like feeling used? At least when I'm not also doing some using? That doesn't seem quite right. I don't want people I want to be friends with to only hang out with me to get in my pants. Maybe I just get uncomfortable with their ability to associate love and lust.
Welp, My Future Kids, I hope that someday you will read this and thank me for your flourishing escort service.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
A Life Before My Future Kids
I think the time is ripe to post a bucket list. That is, a list of things I hope to do before I die (read: before I have kids). I have done this a few times, but I have no idea where any of those lists are, and this one is forever. If all goes according to plan (it won't) I will update this post as necessary, adding and crossing out things as I think of them or do them, respectively.
And now, the list!
1. Fist bump Neil Gaiman
2. Learn Chinese
3. Go to San Diego Comic-Con
4. See Much Ado About Nothing (2012) - ACCOMPLISHED
5. Be in the same room as Joss Whedon
6. Attend an AMA by someone I care about (I'm looking at you, Nathan Fillion)
7. High-five Fran Kranz or anyone else who has starred in a Joss Whedon work
8. Get a tattoo
9. Never be a crack whore - SO FAR SO GOOD
10. Hallucinate (visually)
11. Be piss poor (to be defined as that time when I am living paycheck to paycheck and am forced to eat ramen out of fiscal responsibility)
12. See a total solar eclipse (what up, August 2017?)
13. See the aurora
14. Play LoL(lololol pre-accomplished goal, ftw)
15. Be referenced in a published work
16. Skydive
17. Go urban exploring
18. Run 5 miles
19. Go to a concert -ACCOMPLISHED (Atmosphere in the summer of 2013!)
20. Obtain a degree
21. CONSUME CAMEL MEAT (updated 08/19/12)
22. Couch surf (updated 5/14/14)
Please note my clever mixing of things I want to do with things that I will almost certainly do at various points in the future.
And now, the list!
1. Fist bump Neil Gaiman
2. Learn Chinese
3. Go to San Diego Comic-Con
4. See Much Ado About Nothing (2012) - ACCOMPLISHED
5. Be in the same room as Joss Whedon
6. Attend an AMA by someone I care about (I'm looking at you, Nathan Fillion)
7. High-five Fran Kranz or anyone else who has starred in a Joss Whedon work
8. Get a tattoo
9. Never be a crack whore - SO FAR SO GOOD
10. Hallucinate (visually)
11. Be piss poor (to be defined as that time when I am living paycheck to paycheck and am forced to eat ramen out of fiscal responsibility)
12. See a total solar eclipse (what up, August 2017?)
13. See the aurora
15. Be referenced in a published work
16. Skydive
17. Go urban exploring
18. Run 5 miles
19. Go to a concert -ACCOMPLISHED (Atmosphere in the summer of 2013!)
20. Obtain a degree
21. CONSUME CAMEL MEAT (updated 08/19/12)
22. Couch surf (updated 5/14/14)
Please note my clever mixing of things I want to do with things that I will almost certainly do at various points in the future.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
My Future Adults
I think about the nature of adulthood sometimes.
There are those who claim that we never truly reach adulthood, that we are forever children at heart. I call bullshit. There is no real reason that enjoying so-called "childish" things means that one somehow is a child or not an adult. I think these people are confusing being an adult with being boring. I have also heard that adulthood is just a mask we wear to act like adults until it's no longer a mask. And that may be true. And yet, I feel like true adulthood is something deeper than doing your dishes in a timely fashion.
It just crossed my mind that what I am thinking of is not actually adulthood but rather the resolution to my own inner turmoils. I proceeded to tell myself that adulthood is not well-defined so I can go ahead and use whatever definition I want. So that's that.
Adulthood, to me, consists of a mix of ideas. 1) Responsibility: paying taxes, replying to emails, having your shit together, and the like. 2) Knowledge: knowing what the fuck you're doing, though I hear that this is just a ruse, but I don't completely buy it. 3) Balls: the bravery to go against the status quo.
The inner turmoil I mentioned earlier is balancing learning how to play The Game and telling The Game to go fuck itself. On the one hand, adults are always telling me that I need to play The Game properly if I ever want to get anywhere in life. If I want to get a job, I better present myself well. If I want to keep it, I had better be sending thank you notes for every little thing. On the other hand, I feel that an adult is not slave to The Game and what is expected of them.
As a side note on expectations: I feel that people are highly dependent on their expectations. They have all these models in their brains that tell them what to expect and it's disturbing when these expectations aren't met. This is essentially how I survive in the world. I never know what to do but people always tell me eventually so that I can more properly conform to expectations. Sometimes I even play that role, but much less often. I don't think people like defying expectations either. Maybe that's built in to make our lives operate smoothly.
Maybe it's a matter of learning the rules before you break them. Or at least when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em but maybe that's wisdom.
I think that around this time last year I did not feel like an adult. I think that now I feel like more of an adult than I used to. Not a full-fledged Adult, mind you, but on my way. Maybe adulthood is not an end to be achieved but rather an idealization that move closer to but never quite reach. Maybe that's bollocks though. Because really most people should have a solid grasp on adulthood by 30, I imagine. Maybe all you need to enter the adult club is some minimum level of conscientiousness. And I suppose, failing that, you can just age in.
There are those who claim that we never truly reach adulthood, that we are forever children at heart. I call bullshit. There is no real reason that enjoying so-called "childish" things means that one somehow is a child or not an adult. I think these people are confusing being an adult with being boring. I have also heard that adulthood is just a mask we wear to act like adults until it's no longer a mask. And that may be true. And yet, I feel like true adulthood is something deeper than doing your dishes in a timely fashion.
It just crossed my mind that what I am thinking of is not actually adulthood but rather the resolution to my own inner turmoils. I proceeded to tell myself that adulthood is not well-defined so I can go ahead and use whatever definition I want. So that's that.
Adulthood, to me, consists of a mix of ideas. 1) Responsibility: paying taxes, replying to emails, having your shit together, and the like. 2) Knowledge: knowing what the fuck you're doing, though I hear that this is just a ruse, but I don't completely buy it. 3) Balls: the bravery to go against the status quo.
The inner turmoil I mentioned earlier is balancing learning how to play The Game and telling The Game to go fuck itself. On the one hand, adults are always telling me that I need to play The Game properly if I ever want to get anywhere in life. If I want to get a job, I better present myself well. If I want to keep it, I had better be sending thank you notes for every little thing. On the other hand, I feel that an adult is not slave to The Game and what is expected of them.
As a side note on expectations: I feel that people are highly dependent on their expectations. They have all these models in their brains that tell them what to expect and it's disturbing when these expectations aren't met. This is essentially how I survive in the world. I never know what to do but people always tell me eventually so that I can more properly conform to expectations. Sometimes I even play that role, but much less often. I don't think people like defying expectations either. Maybe that's built in to make our lives operate smoothly.
Maybe it's a matter of learning the rules before you break them. Or at least when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em but maybe that's wisdom.
I think that around this time last year I did not feel like an adult. I think that now I feel like more of an adult than I used to. Not a full-fledged Adult, mind you, but on my way. Maybe adulthood is not an end to be achieved but rather an idealization that move closer to but never quite reach. Maybe that's bollocks though. Because really most people should have a solid grasp on adulthood by 30, I imagine. Maybe all you need to enter the adult club is some minimum level of conscientiousness. And I suppose, failing that, you can just age in.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
My Future Bigots
I am sexist. Very sexist. Also racist, but only a little, and that's besides the point. I am afraid that my sexism will have a negative effect on My Future Kids. To be clear, I don't think my version of sexism is the standard issue for the most part. It's less about men or women and more about traits which I internally characterize as masculine or feminine. I know, I know I will tell My Future Kids to man up and rub some dirt in it. I'l never tell My Future Daughters that can't do anything (except get that awful tattoo, etc.), but maybe I'll end up telling them that they can't be girls to do their thing.
I never really felt like I "counted" as a girl. I always saw girls as kind of annoying. It's really only a recent development that I've started trying to look more like a girl, but even that is a little half-assed and I have lesbian hair? Whatever. Anyways, I still have difficulty associating women with engineering, despite who I am and all the people I hang out with. I'm okay with it, because I don't really see myself as a girl, female on all accounts, but not a girl. Maybe My Future Daughters would like to be girls though. Maybe they would like to be girls and be engineers/[insert male-dominated profession here]. I think living with me might be a hindrance to that.
The fact of the matter is that I consider a lot of feminine traits to be "bad," or maybe more accurately, a lot of bad traits to be "feminine." I don't know why, but it kind of makes me angry when guys act like such. fucking. women. And I think that's bad. I think that's bad for My Future Kids, regardless of sex or gender. I don't want them to grow up believing that if they want to succeed, they need to reject their femininity.
Sometimes things fall out of my head and into the world, but the world doesn't always understand them. The models in my head I think can be different, and I'm not the best at expressing what the modes say or what my words mean in my head. I'm afraid that as much as I know that My Future Kids can do whatever without sacrificing bits of their so-called "identity," my words and actions won't express that appropriately. That when I tell them not to be such a woman, they won't hear "calm down and stop being so emotionally erratic and irrational." That when I tell them that something is easy they'll hear "you're too stupid to figure this out" and not some combination of "you'll understand it eventually," "it will be easy," "this is a solved problem and all you need to do is learn how to do it."
I never really felt like I "counted" as a girl. I always saw girls as kind of annoying. It's really only a recent development that I've started trying to look more like a girl, but even that is a little half-assed and I have lesbian hair? Whatever. Anyways, I still have difficulty associating women with engineering, despite who I am and all the people I hang out with. I'm okay with it, because I don't really see myself as a girl, female on all accounts, but not a girl. Maybe My Future Daughters would like to be girls though. Maybe they would like to be girls and be engineers/[insert male-dominated profession here]. I think living with me might be a hindrance to that.
The fact of the matter is that I consider a lot of feminine traits to be "bad," or maybe more accurately, a lot of bad traits to be "feminine." I don't know why, but it kind of makes me angry when guys act like such. fucking. women. And I think that's bad. I think that's bad for My Future Kids, regardless of sex or gender. I don't want them to grow up believing that if they want to succeed, they need to reject their femininity.
Sometimes things fall out of my head and into the world, but the world doesn't always understand them. The models in my head I think can be different, and I'm not the best at expressing what the modes say or what my words mean in my head. I'm afraid that as much as I know that My Future Kids can do whatever without sacrificing bits of their so-called "identity," my words and actions won't express that appropriately. That when I tell them not to be such a woman, they won't hear "calm down and stop being so emotionally erratic and irrational." That when I tell them that something is easy they'll hear "you're too stupid to figure this out" and not some combination of "you'll understand it eventually," "it will be easy," "this is a solved problem and all you need to do is learn how to do it."
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
My Future Delinquents
Today I saw (part of) a video featuring horrible children. I am now concerned with what I will do should Operation Raise a Good Kid fail. What if My Future Kids are bad people? What if they do such wrong that I am ashamed to call them my own?
The video I saw today has been getting around the internet, so maybe you've seen it. It depicts a bus monitor being harassed by a pack of middle schoolers and made quite a bit of money off some poor saps who felt bad about it. It is of course well-known that middle schoolers are essentially the devil's spawn as a rule, but sometimes they can be truly horrible. They are smart enough and brave enough to be hurtful but lack the wisdom to not exert their power.
People have commented on the incident with the bus monitor, horrified by the acts of the children, ruking those among them that did nothing to stop it. They act as though they would have done the Right thing if they were there, and that may be true, but I am doubtful. They've done the experiments on conformity, on cruelty, and I know from 10th grade US History all too well what a mob of adults is capable of. So screw those guys who think that it's so easy to be a good person.
I guess it's hard to even know what the Right thing is sometimes. We all need to make mistakes. We all need to hurt someone to know what it means. Or something. I don't know.
Anyway, back to the original question. Situation: My Future Kids are terrible people. What to do?
If My Future Kids do something horrible, is it enough to punish them? I never really understood punishments, maybe because I've never really been punished. I have been punished for things, but I can only recall a handful of distinct times and then I have no idea what I did wrong. Except for the one time. But other than that, I'm pretty sure even when I was actively being punished, I didn't know what it was for. I remember being told to think about what I had done, but I don't think I ever considered that to be relevant, so maybe that's something for Future Me to keep in mind. I don't know, maybe my sense of cause and effect was not fully developed at the time. Or maybe just how things were related.
Maybe I should just be really disappointed, that's a good way to make a kid feel like shit. Maybe even the best way. But is making a kid feel bad a good way of teaching them good morals? Or at least good conduct?
Is it even about teaching them the difference between right and wrong? Maybe it's not about doing the Right thing. Maybe it's about teaching them how to be brave. Not to know what is Right, but to stand up for it. People act like it's easy, natural even, but I don't even know if I could do it.
The video I saw today has been getting around the internet, so maybe you've seen it. It depicts a bus monitor being harassed by a pack of middle schoolers and made quite a bit of money off some poor saps who felt bad about it. It is of course well-known that middle schoolers are essentially the devil's spawn as a rule, but sometimes they can be truly horrible. They are smart enough and brave enough to be hurtful but lack the wisdom to not exert their power.
People have commented on the incident with the bus monitor, horrified by the acts of the children, ruking those among them that did nothing to stop it. They act as though they would have done the Right thing if they were there, and that may be true, but I am doubtful. They've done the experiments on conformity, on cruelty, and I know from 10th grade US History all too well what a mob of adults is capable of. So screw those guys who think that it's so easy to be a good person.
I guess it's hard to even know what the Right thing is sometimes. We all need to make mistakes. We all need to hurt someone to know what it means. Or something. I don't know.
Anyway, back to the original question. Situation: My Future Kids are terrible people. What to do?
If My Future Kids do something horrible, is it enough to punish them? I never really understood punishments, maybe because I've never really been punished. I have been punished for things, but I can only recall a handful of distinct times and then I have no idea what I did wrong. Except for the one time. But other than that, I'm pretty sure even when I was actively being punished, I didn't know what it was for. I remember being told to think about what I had done, but I don't think I ever considered that to be relevant, so maybe that's something for Future Me to keep in mind. I don't know, maybe my sense of cause and effect was not fully developed at the time. Or maybe just how things were related.
Maybe I should just be really disappointed, that's a good way to make a kid feel like shit. Maybe even the best way. But is making a kid feel bad a good way of teaching them good morals? Or at least good conduct?
Is it even about teaching them the difference between right and wrong? Maybe it's not about doing the Right thing. Maybe it's about teaching them how to be brave. Not to know what is Right, but to stand up for it. People act like it's easy, natural even, but I don't even know if I could do it.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Normal to What?
People like to think that they're weird. They like to say that being weird is good. They encourage "just being yourself."
I posit that this is bullshit. [ref: http://xkcd.com/122/]
People are actually normal, and they want you to be normal. When "just being yourself" causes you to behave like a normal person, this is good. I'm not sure if this advice is also for people who are not normal. How much should you need to change yourself for the sake of others? What about just one person? How much should you be expected to fake what you cannot change? At what point are you no longer "being yourself." What if people don't like you? Should you wait until you find people that do? Or do you put more effort into appearing like a well-adjusted member of society? How much effort can you put into maintaining a normal appearance until the friends you make don't even know who you are?
During childhood, it is exceedingly obvious that fitting in is of utmost importance. Later in life we learn that it's also important to differentiate yourself. Just don't be too different.
There's this idea that we grow up with that out there, somewhere, there is the elusive one. The one for us. A soulmate. It seems to me that the weirder you are, the smaller your pool of potential soulmates shrinks. Of course, you only need the one. But what if there comes a point when no one's left in your pool? What if you are simply too weird to find love? Are you somehow betraying yourself if you decide to become less weird?
I posit that this is bullshit. [ref: http://xkcd.com/122/]
People are actually normal, and they want you to be normal. When "just being yourself" causes you to behave like a normal person, this is good. I'm not sure if this advice is also for people who are not normal. How much should you need to change yourself for the sake of others? What about just one person? How much should you be expected to fake what you cannot change? At what point are you no longer "being yourself." What if people don't like you? Should you wait until you find people that do? Or do you put more effort into appearing like a well-adjusted member of society? How much effort can you put into maintaining a normal appearance until the friends you make don't even know who you are?
During childhood, it is exceedingly obvious that fitting in is of utmost importance. Later in life we learn that it's also important to differentiate yourself. Just don't be too different.
There's this idea that we grow up with that out there, somewhere, there is the elusive one. The one for us. A soulmate. It seems to me that the weirder you are, the smaller your pool of potential soulmates shrinks. Of course, you only need the one. But what if there comes a point when no one's left in your pool? What if you are simply too weird to find love? Are you somehow betraying yourself if you decide to become less weird?
What Do You Expect?
I sometimes get frustrated by the disparity between who I am and what is expected of me. Sometimes I feel that I cannot live up to expectations, leaving me a failure. Sometimes I tell Plato to go perform actions unsuitable for polite company, because the main difference between Me and Ideal Me is that I exist and anyone who wants anyone else will just have to deal. And then I remind myself that that isn't quite fair, what's so great about existing that makes Me more important than Ideal Me? And what makes you so sure that Me exists? How do you know that Me isn't just some distorted reflection of all the Ideal Mes manifested in this world of Forms?
There some interesting ideas that crop up in our culture (and possibly others, I don't know). I think that our culture as Americans is very self-centered. So much of our culture emphasizes being yourself. Finding yourself. Being true to yourself. I think of these ideas as very much for white people. It's not always about you or what you want. Sometimes it's about what you must do because that is what is expected of you.
The idea of a Me is somewhat misleading, maybe even completely wrong. I think of it like an electron. You cannot "find" Me. You cannot pin down Me like a butterfly. Me is not a classical object. Me does not have a position or momentum except as a probability field. You cannot observe Me without changing Me. How can you be true to such a finicky thing? Can Me be discovered or must Me be invented? Does Me even exist? Or is there only the person living your life?
I sometimes feel expectations bearing down on me with the weight on inevitable disappointment. Like it's only a matter of time before I'm revealed as a fraud who never had it in them to live up to those expectations, or even worse, who could have lived up to them but simply didn't.
To relieve the weight, I tell myself that I owe nothing to anyone. That all I really need to do is survive. I do not need greatness. I do not need happiness. I do not need money. I do not need friends. All I need to do is be alive. All I need to do is be sustainable. All I need to do is be alive until I'm dead.
And then I become afraid that I can't even do that. I didn't say that my fears were rational. This leads me to a new life goal: Do not become a crack whore. I actually think that I can accomplish goal fairly easily as long as I never do crack. As long as I never do crack, no matter how bad life gets, at least I won't be a crack whore. And that's comforting, I don't really know why. Maybe it's just nice to have a lower bound on my life.
Maybe that is what I will tell My Future Kids: as long as you never sell your body in exchange for crack or leave your life to "find" yourself, I will not be disappointed.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
My Future Savants
I know that memorizing and learning are not the same things. I know that knowing lots of facts does not mean that you are smarter. However, I'm going to make My Future Kids memorize a lot of things. For the convenience, you see. Sure you could derive or look up your times tables every time you need it, but it's so much faster to have it always at hand. I wonder if I would be able to teach My Future Kids an internal indexing of the alphabet. I have to go through the whole sequence whenever I want to alphabetize things, but what makes the alphabet so different from integers? If you could just know the index of a given letter, you could know the relationship between any two letters rather than only as either before or after one another in a list.
I was never made to memorize presidents, but I know lots of children are, and I think that's useful too. Once you have the presidents and the years they were in office memorized, you have a reference for the whole time line of the united states. You no longer have to think about what was happening in the 50s or 40s or industrial revolution, you can just associate events with presidents and have a good rough idea of how it fits into the grand scheme of things. Similarly, My Future Kids will memorize the amendments to the constitution with dates and states along with capitols. They're going to memorize resistor color codes, the NATO phonetic alphabet, prime numbers through 100, basic formulas, trig identities, unit conversions, SI- prefixes, fundamental constants, knots, edible plants, basic first aid rules, and more as I think of them. They don't need to understand them at first. Hopefully, they will just have these lists and facts and things lurking in their brains until suddenly it's useful and suddenly they can go ahead and do things without needing to look up the formula or whatever they need.
As an added bonus, people will think they're really smart, which will make them really smart. Score!
I was never made to memorize presidents, but I know lots of children are, and I think that's useful too. Once you have the presidents and the years they were in office memorized, you have a reference for the whole time line of the united states. You no longer have to think about what was happening in the 50s or 40s or industrial revolution, you can just associate events with presidents and have a good rough idea of how it fits into the grand scheme of things. Similarly, My Future Kids will memorize the amendments to the constitution with dates and states along with capitols. They're going to memorize resistor color codes, the NATO phonetic alphabet, prime numbers through 100, basic formulas, trig identities, unit conversions, SI- prefixes, fundamental constants, knots, edible plants, basic first aid rules, and more as I think of them. They don't need to understand them at first. Hopefully, they will just have these lists and facts and things lurking in their brains until suddenly it's useful and suddenly they can go ahead and do things without needing to look up the formula or whatever they need.
As an added bonus, people will think they're really smart, which will make them really smart. Score!
Monday, April 23, 2012
My Future Tauists
This morning in the shower I made a decision. I shall raise My Future Kids to be Tauists.
I admit that when I was child I was a fan of math more than I was a mathematician. And yes, I memorized digits of pi. I now find this a little embarrassing, not so much because memorizing digits is lame, but because pi isn't actually all that great. Sure pi is cool and all, but you know what's even better? e. Ha, I got you, you thought I was going to say 2pi, but yeah 2pi is also better.
Now, it could well be that raising My Future Kids with less wide-spread fundamental constants is a bad idea. But at least they will be raised with a certain elegance that pi simply cannot offer them. Hopefully they will grow up with a deeper understanding of the relationships between circles and sines and cosines. It will be hard, to be sure, to adjust to talking to people who prefer to think in terms of pi (henceforth known as half-tau), but maybe it will help them switch bases.
I say that I want My Future Kids to learn tau because it will offer deeper understanding, but I have another reason also. It occurred to me this morning that should we make contact with an alien species and attempt to communicate in the universal language of math, we will find ourselves sorely embarrassed. In Stargate, I remember that there was some sort of test to prove that one's species was sufficiently advanced that involved half-tau. It is clear, however, that tau is a much more reasonable and intuitive constant to ask another civilization about. If another species approached ours wishing to forge a connection through the sharing of fundamental constants and basic proofs, I know that I would feel quite childish offering up half-tau with a much more sensible constant just a factor of 2 away.
May we all one day be tauists. May My Future Kids be the beginning of the move to more sensible mathematics.
I admit that when I was child I was a fan of math more than I was a mathematician. And yes, I memorized digits of pi. I now find this a little embarrassing, not so much because memorizing digits is lame, but because pi isn't actually all that great. Sure pi is cool and all, but you know what's even better? e. Ha, I got you, you thought I was going to say 2pi, but yeah 2pi is also better.
Now, it could well be that raising My Future Kids with less wide-spread fundamental constants is a bad idea. But at least they will be raised with a certain elegance that pi simply cannot offer them. Hopefully they will grow up with a deeper understanding of the relationships between circles and sines and cosines. It will be hard, to be sure, to adjust to talking to people who prefer to think in terms of pi (henceforth known as half-tau), but maybe it will help them switch bases.
I say that I want My Future Kids to learn tau because it will offer deeper understanding, but I have another reason also. It occurred to me this morning that should we make contact with an alien species and attempt to communicate in the universal language of math, we will find ourselves sorely embarrassed. In Stargate, I remember that there was some sort of test to prove that one's species was sufficiently advanced that involved half-tau. It is clear, however, that tau is a much more reasonable and intuitive constant to ask another civilization about. If another species approached ours wishing to forge a connection through the sharing of fundamental constants and basic proofs, I know that I would feel quite childish offering up half-tau with a much more sensible constant just a factor of 2 away.
May we all one day be tauists. May My Future Kids be the beginning of the move to more sensible mathematics.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
I Wonder Where That Toy Airplane Went
The posts on this blog have two purposes relevant to Future Me: One is so I can remember all my great ideas about child-raising. The second is to record my thoughts and experiences for Future Me's reference, making the assumption that my experience is roughly equal to that of My Future Kids.
So here's my current experience. Here's my plea for forgiveness for being stupid, irrational, and confused.
I get annoyed when people tell me to talk about myself. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I hate having attention directed at me. Secondly, I don't enjoy talking about things that I don't know anything about.
I don't really know how to interpret my own experiences. What am I feeling? I don't know. Does my neck hurt? Maybe I'm stressed. Why do you suddenly want to cry? Did something sad happen? No. Do you miss anyone? Anything? Not really. What the hell is wrong with you? Fuck if I know. Is it the hormones again? Maybe. Why are you doing that thing? I don't know. Because it's expected? Because I thought I wanted it? No you didn't. Well, maybe I just wanted to want it. Well, do you? How can I tell? Fuck if I know.
I have a hard time parsing emotions and other such feelings unless associated with a physical sensation. As an example, when talking to my professors, I don't feel nervous, but the hot feeling in my face tells me that I must be.
I have a hard time trusting myself. Perhaps for because of the above.
I was in love once. I only vaguely remember what I felt, but I can remember what I thought. It wasn't even a very healthy relationship, but I remember feeling like it was the best thing. Being in love was the best thing, and it was unlikely that anyone had ever felt as I did. I don't know why it felt so wonderful and unique, but it did. When I was in love, I wanted no one else and spending all of my time with my lover was just fine.
But that was love then. I'm a different person now. Different a few times over. How will I know if I'm in love again? Will it feel the same? Will it feel different? Was that euphoria just some kind of fluke? The definition I had for love has definitely changed. I used to think of love as valuing someone more than oneself, but I have since come to the conclusion that that definition is somewhat unhealthy. Those were not the greatest times in my life. Though to be fair, I plan on this definition being valid for My Future Kids and Spouse. However, right now that definition is simply not practical.
I used to think that what I wanted was smooches. Then I thought that what I wanted was someone to smooch. Then I realized that what I wanted was to be in love again. That's the current theory at least. And it makes sense, who doesn't want to be high as a kite forever?
There is a certain fear though. What if what I want doesn't really exist? Maybe I'm not capable of being in love anymore. What if that was just a one-time deal? I've been in a few relationships since, but I've had a hard time feeling anything for any of them. Dates and smooches are fun and all, but at some level, I almost just consider them a way of being polite.
Do you remember this, Future Me? Or as you might call it, Me Proper? When My Future Kids are angsty and confused and just doing shit for no discernible reason to you or them, please forgive them. With any luck, they, too, will grow out of it. Isn't that right, Future Me? Right?
So here's my current experience. Here's my plea for forgiveness for being stupid, irrational, and confused.
I get annoyed when people tell me to talk about myself. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I hate having attention directed at me. Secondly, I don't enjoy talking about things that I don't know anything about.
I don't really know how to interpret my own experiences. What am I feeling? I don't know. Does my neck hurt? Maybe I'm stressed. Why do you suddenly want to cry? Did something sad happen? No. Do you miss anyone? Anything? Not really. What the hell is wrong with you? Fuck if I know. Is it the hormones again? Maybe. Why are you doing that thing? I don't know. Because it's expected? Because I thought I wanted it? No you didn't. Well, maybe I just wanted to want it. Well, do you? How can I tell? Fuck if I know.
I have a hard time parsing emotions and other such feelings unless associated with a physical sensation. As an example, when talking to my professors, I don't feel nervous, but the hot feeling in my face tells me that I must be.
I have a hard time trusting myself. Perhaps for because of the above.
I was in love once. I only vaguely remember what I felt, but I can remember what I thought. It wasn't even a very healthy relationship, but I remember feeling like it was the best thing. Being in love was the best thing, and it was unlikely that anyone had ever felt as I did. I don't know why it felt so wonderful and unique, but it did. When I was in love, I wanted no one else and spending all of my time with my lover was just fine.
But that was love then. I'm a different person now. Different a few times over. How will I know if I'm in love again? Will it feel the same? Will it feel different? Was that euphoria just some kind of fluke? The definition I had for love has definitely changed. I used to think of love as valuing someone more than oneself, but I have since come to the conclusion that that definition is somewhat unhealthy. Those were not the greatest times in my life. Though to be fair, I plan on this definition being valid for My Future Kids and Spouse. However, right now that definition is simply not practical.
I used to think that what I wanted was smooches. Then I thought that what I wanted was someone to smooch. Then I realized that what I wanted was to be in love again. That's the current theory at least. And it makes sense, who doesn't want to be high as a kite forever?
There is a certain fear though. What if what I want doesn't really exist? Maybe I'm not capable of being in love anymore. What if that was just a one-time deal? I've been in a few relationships since, but I've had a hard time feeling anything for any of them. Dates and smooches are fun and all, but at some level, I almost just consider them a way of being polite.
Do you remember this, Future Me? Or as you might call it, Me Proper? When My Future Kids are angsty and confused and just doing shit for no discernible reason to you or them, please forgive them. With any luck, they, too, will grow out of it. Isn't that right, Future Me? Right?
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Now, in the future.
This is a reminder to Future Me. This is a reminder to pay attention. This is a reminder to stay on your toes, because you'll never really know My Future Kids. This is a reminder to not get cocky. This is a reminder that My Future Kids will change faster than you can keep up with. This is a reminder to remember. Remember the person you were a few years ago? Keep that vague sense of embarrassment in mind when you bring up the person Child was a few years ago. Remember that Child cannot fix the mistake they made a year ago. Remember that Child is a new person now. Remember that they may or may not have learned from their mistakes and who they were then does not always dictate who they are now.
What I'm saying, Future Me, is that the goldfish incident when they were five does not determine their ability to take care of pets forever more. No matter how recently it feels to you, it happened much longer ago for them.
I have a theory about time in the context of one's life. Maybe we shouldn't think of it as an absolute length but rather as a fraction. Every year seems to go by a little faster, just as every years becomes a slightly smaller fraction of my life as I add more years.
I have another theory. Time we experience is inversely proportional to how much we are doing. As a corollary, time retrospectively is proportional to how much we do.
Maybe it's a combination of these. The point is that however much time you think has passed, Future Me, is not the same amount of time that some else thinks has passed. The point is that if you don't pay attention, My Future Kids will reinvent themselves three times before you think anything has happened.
What I'm saying, Future Me, is that the goldfish incident when they were five does not determine their ability to take care of pets forever more. No matter how recently it feels to you, it happened much longer ago for them.
I have a theory about time in the context of one's life. Maybe we shouldn't think of it as an absolute length but rather as a fraction. Every year seems to go by a little faster, just as every years becomes a slightly smaller fraction of my life as I add more years.
I have another theory. Time we experience is inversely proportional to how much we are doing. As a corollary, time retrospectively is proportional to how much we do.
Maybe it's a combination of these. The point is that however much time you think has passed, Future Me, is not the same amount of time that some else thinks has passed. The point is that if you don't pay attention, My Future Kids will reinvent themselves three times before you think anything has happened.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Good Enough
What will I tell My Future Kids to make them happy and healthy and successful? Do they even get to be all three? At some level, I don't think they do, I don't think that anyone does, but maybe I'm wrong. Do I tell them that they're pretty? Will that make them more or less confident about their looks?
Whenever Parents compliment me, I assume them to be insincere and filling out a parental role in which they tell me things that are supposed to make me feel good. They do not. I either feel indifferent or I take the compliment as a sort of sneaky insult. Like a sort of congratulations for finally being mediocre at something you've been bad at for so long. I think that at some level this comes from my own judgments of the things I've done. If I feel that I have done something completely unremarkable or even the expected thing to do, and Parents praise me for it, then they have just sneaky-insulted everything I've done prior to that.
Should I compliment everything My Future Kids do? Only the things I consider worthy or praise? I want to be supportive, but I also want to be a trusted purveyor of opinions. Is it necessary to sacrifice one for the other? What if I complimented everything that was above-average? What does that even mean? My Future Kids should be held to a higher standard! How do I express to My Future Kids that good at something they really need to step up their game? Does having kids make you automatically love everything they do?
I hear they you're not supposed to tell your kids that they're smart. You're supposed to tell them that they worked hard. I don't know if that's the best way to do it though. I can see why calling them smart is bad. Everything is easy in elementary school. It's SO EASY to just be smart and get away with it, but for most of us it doesn't last, though it does last longer for some than for others. But praising hard work? Who works hard in elementary school? Maybe I don't remember it well enough, but I remember exactly one hard thing from elementary school, and I figured out long division the next day when Father explained it to me. I had friends who worked hard. They did a little better than I did. Is that enough? Why should My Future Kids work hard if they can work smart? How do you teach that? How do you encourage that? Maybe working hard should come first, and working smart can develop later? My hard-working friends still work hard and I still don't work very hard or very smart, but I guess I'm still smart enough that I'm okay but not so smart that I can completely get away with it, and I've always had trouble with classes that seemed useless or that I simply did not like.
Sometimes I can't tell the difference between what should be said and what isn't relevant. I should call My Future Kids beautiful because everyone is beautiful in their own way, but if everyone is beautiful, then why do we even need to say it? To remind them, I suppose.
Perhaps I should operate on the assumption that My Future Kids slash everyone has a very limited memory space and if I want them to know something I must repeat it often to keep them from forgetting. That sounds like good life advice that I will not follow, but maybe I will keep it in mind.
I don't want my praise to My Future Kids to be meaningless to them, but I don't really understand how to be both supportive and also not a blind complimentobot for My Future Kids. Maybe I'll figure it out when the time comes and the problem will unravel itself before me. Or maybe that's what Child 1 is for.
Whenever Parents compliment me, I assume them to be insincere and filling out a parental role in which they tell me things that are supposed to make me feel good. They do not. I either feel indifferent or I take the compliment as a sort of sneaky insult. Like a sort of congratulations for finally being mediocre at something you've been bad at for so long. I think that at some level this comes from my own judgments of the things I've done. If I feel that I have done something completely unremarkable or even the expected thing to do, and Parents praise me for it, then they have just sneaky-insulted everything I've done prior to that.
Should I compliment everything My Future Kids do? Only the things I consider worthy or praise? I want to be supportive, but I also want to be a trusted purveyor of opinions. Is it necessary to sacrifice one for the other? What if I complimented everything that was above-average? What does that even mean? My Future Kids should be held to a higher standard! How do I express to My Future Kids that good at something they really need to step up their game? Does having kids make you automatically love everything they do?
I hear they you're not supposed to tell your kids that they're smart. You're supposed to tell them that they worked hard. I don't know if that's the best way to do it though. I can see why calling them smart is bad. Everything is easy in elementary school. It's SO EASY to just be smart and get away with it, but for most of us it doesn't last, though it does last longer for some than for others. But praising hard work? Who works hard in elementary school? Maybe I don't remember it well enough, but I remember exactly one hard thing from elementary school, and I figured out long division the next day when Father explained it to me. I had friends who worked hard. They did a little better than I did. Is that enough? Why should My Future Kids work hard if they can work smart? How do you teach that? How do you encourage that? Maybe working hard should come first, and working smart can develop later? My hard-working friends still work hard and I still don't work very hard or very smart, but I guess I'm still smart enough that I'm okay but not so smart that I can completely get away with it, and I've always had trouble with classes that seemed useless or that I simply did not like.
Sometimes I can't tell the difference between what should be said and what isn't relevant. I should call My Future Kids beautiful because everyone is beautiful in their own way, but if everyone is beautiful, then why do we even need to say it? To remind them, I suppose.
Perhaps I should operate on the assumption that My Future Kids slash everyone has a very limited memory space and if I want them to know something I must repeat it often to keep them from forgetting. That sounds like good life advice that I will not follow, but maybe I will keep it in mind.
I don't want my praise to My Future Kids to be meaningless to them, but I don't really understand how to be both supportive and also not a blind complimentobot for My Future Kids. Maybe I'll figure it out when the time comes and the problem will unravel itself before me. Or maybe that's what Child 1 is for.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
My Future Ne'er-do-wells
I'm wondering what an appropriate amount of sharing is between My Future Kids and I regarding certain less reputable activities (I'm talking about getting high right now). Right now I'm considering two of my friends in particular who enjoy this particular pastime a fair amount and how I would react as one of their parents. Honestly, there would be nothing I could do to stop them per se, even if attempting to stop them would be the right thing to do. I guess the best I could do is tell them to be safe, ban them from smoking in the house, and refuse to fund them if their grades get too low. To be fair, the biggest pothead I know was also one of the most ass-brilliant people I know, at least that was the impression I got the last time I saw him in 9th or 10th grade before he ran off to University. Also, some really goddamn smart people have partaken in mind-altering substances, but I don't know if the substances helped or hurt or were irrelevant regarding how goddamn smart those people were.
Even if My Future Kids don't end up being little potheads, they will almost certainly be curious. I think I should arrange some kind of talk with them. I keep thinking that right before college is the correct time, just based on my own sheltered experiences, but probably it should be before high school. Maybe even sooner. The talk will comprise of the results of various studies and my own experiences regarding substances, and maybe be anecdotal evidence from more famous people? No, associating potential role models with drug use is not a good idea. Just because they attribute the source of their genius to drugs doesn't mean that they were right or that you should use drugs as well. All it says really is that doing drugs won't necessarily mean that you will fail at life.
I really would prefer it if My Future Kids did not do drugs. Sometimes I think Parents should be more grateful that I was such an easy child.
Even if My Future Kids don't end up being little potheads, they will almost certainly be curious. I think I should arrange some kind of talk with them. I keep thinking that right before college is the correct time, just based on my own sheltered experiences, but probably it should be before high school. Maybe even sooner. The talk will comprise of the results of various studies and my own experiences regarding substances, and maybe be anecdotal evidence from more famous people? No, associating potential role models with drug use is not a good idea. Just because they attribute the source of their genius to drugs doesn't mean that they were right or that you should use drugs as well. All it says really is that doing drugs won't necessarily mean that you will fail at life.
I really would prefer it if My Future Kids did not do drugs. Sometimes I think Parents should be more grateful that I was such an easy child.
What's up?
I sometimes forget that people are different from me. As an example, I tend to consider certain gestures to be dull and meaningless; scripted to the point that I almost find them offensive-- why even bother when it's clear that neither of us cares? But it came to my attention recently that these gestures are genuinely important to people who simply happen not to be me.
Hold on a sec while I think of a way to tie this in to My Future Kids.
. . .
Okay I got it.
Social niceties. I will make a point of making My Future Kids get into the habit of paying attention to them, no matter how meaningless. Ideally, you really would mean them, which makes them not dull or meaningless, but you are expected to hold to them regardless of whether you mean it or not. I guess my problem with them is when you can tell that they're done out of obligation, and I would have preferred if no attempt at upholding the niceties had been made at all. It stands to reason then that I should also teach My Future Kids to fake sincerity as well. It will make them more friends anyway. I hope that doesn't make them prematurely cynical and jaded with life. It's possible that fake sincerity is just a Midwestern thing, I'm not sure. I heard some anecdotal evidence stating that Midwesterners are more likely to act interested in you regardless of whether or not they care about what you're saying. I don't know. I tend to just do this all the time because I'm not good at paying attention. To anyone who has talked at me for any sort of extended period of time-- I'm sorry you had to find out like this.
Hold on a sec while I think of a way to tie this in to My Future Kids.
. . .
Okay I got it.
Social niceties. I will make a point of making My Future Kids get into the habit of paying attention to them, no matter how meaningless. Ideally, you really would mean them, which makes them not dull or meaningless, but you are expected to hold to them regardless of whether you mean it or not. I guess my problem with them is when you can tell that they're done out of obligation, and I would have preferred if no attempt at upholding the niceties had been made at all. It stands to reason then that I should also teach My Future Kids to fake sincerity as well. It will make them more friends anyway. I hope that doesn't make them prematurely cynical and jaded with life. It's possible that fake sincerity is just a Midwestern thing, I'm not sure. I heard some anecdotal evidence stating that Midwesterners are more likely to act interested in you regardless of whether or not they care about what you're saying. I don't know. I tend to just do this all the time because I'm not good at paying attention. To anyone who has talked at me for any sort of extended period of time-- I'm sorry you had to find out like this.
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