The posts on this blog have two purposes relevant to Future Me: One is so I can remember all my great ideas about child-raising. The second is to record my thoughts and experiences for Future Me's reference, making the assumption that my experience is roughly equal to that of My Future Kids.
So here's my current experience. Here's my plea for forgiveness for being stupid, irrational, and confused.
I get annoyed when people tell me to talk about myself. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I hate having attention directed at me. Secondly, I don't enjoy talking about things that I don't know anything about.
I don't really know how to interpret my own experiences. What am I feeling? I don't know. Does my neck hurt? Maybe I'm stressed. Why do you suddenly want to cry? Did something sad happen? No. Do you miss anyone? Anything? Not really. What the hell is wrong with you? Fuck if I know. Is it the hormones again? Maybe. Why are you doing that thing? I don't know. Because it's expected? Because I thought I wanted it? No you didn't. Well, maybe I just wanted to want it. Well, do you? How can I tell? Fuck if I know.
I have a hard time parsing emotions and other such feelings unless associated with a physical sensation. As an example, when talking to my professors, I don't feel nervous, but the hot feeling in my face tells me that I must be.
I have a hard time trusting myself. Perhaps for because of the above.
I was in love once. I only vaguely remember what I felt, but I can remember what I thought. It wasn't even a very healthy relationship, but I remember feeling like it was the best thing. Being in love was the best thing, and it was unlikely that anyone had ever felt as I did. I don't know why it felt so wonderful and unique, but it did. When I was in love, I wanted no one else and spending all of my time with my lover was just fine.
But that was love then. I'm a different person now. Different a few times over. How will I know if I'm in love again? Will it feel the same? Will it feel different? Was that euphoria just some kind of fluke? The definition I had for love has definitely changed. I used to think of love as valuing someone more than oneself, but I have since come to the conclusion that that definition is somewhat unhealthy. Those were not the greatest times in my life. Though to be fair, I plan on this definition being valid for My Future Kids and Spouse. However, right now that definition is simply not practical.
I used to think that what I wanted was smooches. Then I thought that what I wanted was someone to smooch. Then I realized that what I wanted was to be in love again. That's the current theory at least. And it makes sense, who doesn't want to be high as a kite forever?
There is a certain fear though. What if what I want doesn't really exist? Maybe I'm not capable of being in love anymore. What if that was just a one-time deal? I've been in a few relationships since, but I've had a hard time feeling anything for any of them. Dates and smooches are fun and all, but at some level, I almost just consider them a way of being polite.
Do you remember this, Future Me? Or as you might call it, Me Proper? When My Future Kids are angsty and confused and just doing shit for no discernible reason to you or them, please forgive them. With any luck, they, too, will grow out of it. Isn't that right, Future Me? Right?
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