Screwing Around

When My Future Kids are little sociopath liars themselves, I will have their backs. If they need me to make lie for them so they can bullshit their little friends, I will lie SO HARD. I'm not going to be some impartial bystander. My Future Kids are going to WIN. I remember when my father didn't back me up when I was trying to screw around with my friends, and FATHER, I AM STILL DISAPPOINT. No, when it comes to My Future Kids' friends, I'll play along, I'm game. I'm cool, dammit. But not TOO cool, mind you. I'm still going to be really awful and embarrassing, but all of My Future Kids' friends will them think that I'm awesome. I think that I will pick one on whom I will dote and make constant comparisons to My Future Kids. My Future Kids' friends will love me, but I' not going to be one of those pathetic parents who are obsessed with staying hip and relevant. I'm not going to buy them alcohol or anything. I do think, however, that I will buy My Future Kids small quantities of really nice alcohol after their first year of college when I know they've started drinking. What I WILL do for the friends of My Future Kids' friends is I will make them delicious snacks. I'm talking tiny cucumber sandwiches. Shit be crazy delicious. Hopefully, it will also make them feel guilty when they trash the house. 

Oh god. Those crazy kids are going to trash my tree house. And then they'll have sex in it. DAMMIT. I guess that means I'll need some extra reinforcements when I make the tree house. I'm not going to let some hooligans ruin a perfectly good tree house. Maybe I should come up with some sort of drunkenness test at the entrance and pretend it's a flaw in the design. Of course, that's not going to stop My Future Kids and their friends from entering while sober and drinking and smoking within the tree house, but I suppose I could always install cameras. It would be a good way to know when My Future Kids start drinking and having sex. I know that if I started to rebel, that's where I would do it. Yep, there are definitely going to be cameras in that tree house. You see that, My Future Kids? I totally know what you get up to in there! I SEE ALL. I KNOW ALL. I AM MOTHERFUCKING SANTA CLAUS. Oh yeah, and if you get high in that tree house with your friends, I'm keeping still to blackmail your friends just in case they become famous. Either way, I win.