Conditioning

I'm teaching My Future Kids tricks. I can show all my friends and pretend that my babies are super smart. I wonder if it really takes that long for them to get house trained. Or how long it will be until they catch on? Maybe if I'm sneaky, they'll never catch on! So much science to be done! Of course the real question is: what will I condition them to do? Maybe I'll need to take some psychology slash obedience training lessons.
I think the first thing would be to identify colors or something so I can pretend that they're smart. Once I get that, I think I will make them do something silly, like have them spin around in a circle or something. Do you thin I could get them to heel? That could at be handy. I should also ingrain in them something that would be useful for when they enter that difficult angsty ostage. What would help me then? Ohman, if I could get them to speak in rhyme whenever they're upset, or maybe whenever I want, I don't really know, but anyway, that would be so cool! Or maybe speak in iambic pentameter. I don't think I have the necessary skills for that though. But still! Things to keep in mind. I suppose that I could always teach them some silly dance, that would be funny. Especially if it stuck with them to sentience. I wonder if there are papers on the conditioning of children? Or if they're allowed to conduct those sorts of experiments? I wonder if I could thoroughly record my own experiments and then publish a paper? That would be amazing. This is like, my number 5 goal for raising My Future Kids. Well-trained children. They better not mess this up for me!
This is definitely something that will need more consideration. I don't want to waste such a golden opportunity. I wonder if psychology professors try this out with their kids. I bet they do. I wonder if it worked. To the internet!