I am sexist. Very sexist. Also racist, but only a little, and that's besides the point. I am afraid that my sexism will have a negative effect on My Future Kids. To be clear, I don't think my version of sexism is the standard issue for the most part. It's less about men or women and more about traits which I internally characterize as masculine or feminine. I know, I know I will tell My Future Kids to man up and rub some dirt in it. I'l never tell My Future Daughters that can't do anything (except get that awful tattoo, etc.), but maybe I'll end up telling them that they can't be girls to do their thing.
I never really felt like I "counted" as a girl. I always saw girls as kind of annoying. It's really only a recent development that I've started trying to look more like a girl, but even that is a little half-assed and I have lesbian hair? Whatever. Anyways, I still have difficulty associating women with engineering, despite who I am and all the people I hang out with. I'm okay with it, because I don't really see myself as a girl, female on all accounts, but not a girl. Maybe My Future Daughters would like to be girls though. Maybe they would like to be girls and be engineers/[insert male-dominated profession here]. I think living with me might be a hindrance to that.
The fact of the matter is that I consider a lot of feminine traits to be "bad," or maybe more accurately, a lot of bad traits to be "feminine." I don't know why, but it kind of makes me angry when guys act like such. fucking. women. And I think that's bad. I think that's bad for My Future Kids, regardless of sex or gender. I don't want them to grow up believing that if they want to succeed, they need to reject their femininity.
Sometimes things fall out of my head and into the world, but the world doesn't always understand them. The models in my head I think can be different, and I'm not the best at expressing what the modes say or what my words mean in my head. I'm afraid that as much as I know that My Future Kids can do whatever without sacrificing bits of their so-called "identity," my words and actions won't express that appropriately. That when I tell them not to be such a woman, they won't hear "calm down and stop being so emotionally erratic and irrational." That when I tell them that something is easy they'll hear "you're too stupid to figure this out" and not some combination of "you'll understand it eventually," "it will be easy," "this is a solved problem and all you need to do is learn how to do it."
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
My Future Delinquents
Today I saw (part of) a video featuring horrible children. I am now concerned with what I will do should Operation Raise a Good Kid fail. What if My Future Kids are bad people? What if they do such wrong that I am ashamed to call them my own?
The video I saw today has been getting around the internet, so maybe you've seen it. It depicts a bus monitor being harassed by a pack of middle schoolers and made quite a bit of money off some poor saps who felt bad about it. It is of course well-known that middle schoolers are essentially the devil's spawn as a rule, but sometimes they can be truly horrible. They are smart enough and brave enough to be hurtful but lack the wisdom to not exert their power.
People have commented on the incident with the bus monitor, horrified by the acts of the children, ruking those among them that did nothing to stop it. They act as though they would have done the Right thing if they were there, and that may be true, but I am doubtful. They've done the experiments on conformity, on cruelty, and I know from 10th grade US History all too well what a mob of adults is capable of. So screw those guys who think that it's so easy to be a good person.
I guess it's hard to even know what the Right thing is sometimes. We all need to make mistakes. We all need to hurt someone to know what it means. Or something. I don't know.
Anyway, back to the original question. Situation: My Future Kids are terrible people. What to do?
If My Future Kids do something horrible, is it enough to punish them? I never really understood punishments, maybe because I've never really been punished. I have been punished for things, but I can only recall a handful of distinct times and then I have no idea what I did wrong. Except for the one time. But other than that, I'm pretty sure even when I was actively being punished, I didn't know what it was for. I remember being told to think about what I had done, but I don't think I ever considered that to be relevant, so maybe that's something for Future Me to keep in mind. I don't know, maybe my sense of cause and effect was not fully developed at the time. Or maybe just how things were related.
Maybe I should just be really disappointed, that's a good way to make a kid feel like shit. Maybe even the best way. But is making a kid feel bad a good way of teaching them good morals? Or at least good conduct?
Is it even about teaching them the difference between right and wrong? Maybe it's not about doing the Right thing. Maybe it's about teaching them how to be brave. Not to know what is Right, but to stand up for it. People act like it's easy, natural even, but I don't even know if I could do it.
The video I saw today has been getting around the internet, so maybe you've seen it. It depicts a bus monitor being harassed by a pack of middle schoolers and made quite a bit of money off some poor saps who felt bad about it. It is of course well-known that middle schoolers are essentially the devil's spawn as a rule, but sometimes they can be truly horrible. They are smart enough and brave enough to be hurtful but lack the wisdom to not exert their power.
People have commented on the incident with the bus monitor, horrified by the acts of the children, ruking those among them that did nothing to stop it. They act as though they would have done the Right thing if they were there, and that may be true, but I am doubtful. They've done the experiments on conformity, on cruelty, and I know from 10th grade US History all too well what a mob of adults is capable of. So screw those guys who think that it's so easy to be a good person.
I guess it's hard to even know what the Right thing is sometimes. We all need to make mistakes. We all need to hurt someone to know what it means. Or something. I don't know.
Anyway, back to the original question. Situation: My Future Kids are terrible people. What to do?
If My Future Kids do something horrible, is it enough to punish them? I never really understood punishments, maybe because I've never really been punished. I have been punished for things, but I can only recall a handful of distinct times and then I have no idea what I did wrong. Except for the one time. But other than that, I'm pretty sure even when I was actively being punished, I didn't know what it was for. I remember being told to think about what I had done, but I don't think I ever considered that to be relevant, so maybe that's something for Future Me to keep in mind. I don't know, maybe my sense of cause and effect was not fully developed at the time. Or maybe just how things were related.
Maybe I should just be really disappointed, that's a good way to make a kid feel like shit. Maybe even the best way. But is making a kid feel bad a good way of teaching them good morals? Or at least good conduct?
Is it even about teaching them the difference between right and wrong? Maybe it's not about doing the Right thing. Maybe it's about teaching them how to be brave. Not to know what is Right, but to stand up for it. People act like it's easy, natural even, but I don't even know if I could do it.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Normal to What?
People like to think that they're weird. They like to say that being weird is good. They encourage "just being yourself."
I posit that this is bullshit. [ref: http://xkcd.com/122/]
People are actually normal, and they want you to be normal. When "just being yourself" causes you to behave like a normal person, this is good. I'm not sure if this advice is also for people who are not normal. How much should you need to change yourself for the sake of others? What about just one person? How much should you be expected to fake what you cannot change? At what point are you no longer "being yourself." What if people don't like you? Should you wait until you find people that do? Or do you put more effort into appearing like a well-adjusted member of society? How much effort can you put into maintaining a normal appearance until the friends you make don't even know who you are?
During childhood, it is exceedingly obvious that fitting in is of utmost importance. Later in life we learn that it's also important to differentiate yourself. Just don't be too different.
There's this idea that we grow up with that out there, somewhere, there is the elusive one. The one for us. A soulmate. It seems to me that the weirder you are, the smaller your pool of potential soulmates shrinks. Of course, you only need the one. But what if there comes a point when no one's left in your pool? What if you are simply too weird to find love? Are you somehow betraying yourself if you decide to become less weird?
I posit that this is bullshit. [ref: http://xkcd.com/122/]
People are actually normal, and they want you to be normal. When "just being yourself" causes you to behave like a normal person, this is good. I'm not sure if this advice is also for people who are not normal. How much should you need to change yourself for the sake of others? What about just one person? How much should you be expected to fake what you cannot change? At what point are you no longer "being yourself." What if people don't like you? Should you wait until you find people that do? Or do you put more effort into appearing like a well-adjusted member of society? How much effort can you put into maintaining a normal appearance until the friends you make don't even know who you are?
During childhood, it is exceedingly obvious that fitting in is of utmost importance. Later in life we learn that it's also important to differentiate yourself. Just don't be too different.
There's this idea that we grow up with that out there, somewhere, there is the elusive one. The one for us. A soulmate. It seems to me that the weirder you are, the smaller your pool of potential soulmates shrinks. Of course, you only need the one. But what if there comes a point when no one's left in your pool? What if you are simply too weird to find love? Are you somehow betraying yourself if you decide to become less weird?
What Do You Expect?
I sometimes get frustrated by the disparity between who I am and what is expected of me. Sometimes I feel that I cannot live up to expectations, leaving me a failure. Sometimes I tell Plato to go perform actions unsuitable for polite company, because the main difference between Me and Ideal Me is that I exist and anyone who wants anyone else will just have to deal. And then I remind myself that that isn't quite fair, what's so great about existing that makes Me more important than Ideal Me? And what makes you so sure that Me exists? How do you know that Me isn't just some distorted reflection of all the Ideal Mes manifested in this world of Forms?
There some interesting ideas that crop up in our culture (and possibly others, I don't know). I think that our culture as Americans is very self-centered. So much of our culture emphasizes being yourself. Finding yourself. Being true to yourself. I think of these ideas as very much for white people. It's not always about you or what you want. Sometimes it's about what you must do because that is what is expected of you.
The idea of a Me is somewhat misleading, maybe even completely wrong. I think of it like an electron. You cannot "find" Me. You cannot pin down Me like a butterfly. Me is not a classical object. Me does not have a position or momentum except as a probability field. You cannot observe Me without changing Me. How can you be true to such a finicky thing? Can Me be discovered or must Me be invented? Does Me even exist? Or is there only the person living your life?
I sometimes feel expectations bearing down on me with the weight on inevitable disappointment. Like it's only a matter of time before I'm revealed as a fraud who never had it in them to live up to those expectations, or even worse, who could have lived up to them but simply didn't.
To relieve the weight, I tell myself that I owe nothing to anyone. That all I really need to do is survive. I do not need greatness. I do not need happiness. I do not need money. I do not need friends. All I need to do is be alive. All I need to do is be sustainable. All I need to do is be alive until I'm dead.
And then I become afraid that I can't even do that. I didn't say that my fears were rational. This leads me to a new life goal: Do not become a crack whore. I actually think that I can accomplish goal fairly easily as long as I never do crack. As long as I never do crack, no matter how bad life gets, at least I won't be a crack whore. And that's comforting, I don't really know why. Maybe it's just nice to have a lower bound on my life.
Maybe that is what I will tell My Future Kids: as long as you never sell your body in exchange for crack or leave your life to "find" yourself, I will not be disappointed.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
My Future Savants
I know that memorizing and learning are not the same things. I know that knowing lots of facts does not mean that you are smarter. However, I'm going to make My Future Kids memorize a lot of things. For the convenience, you see. Sure you could derive or look up your times tables every time you need it, but it's so much faster to have it always at hand. I wonder if I would be able to teach My Future Kids an internal indexing of the alphabet. I have to go through the whole sequence whenever I want to alphabetize things, but what makes the alphabet so different from integers? If you could just know the index of a given letter, you could know the relationship between any two letters rather than only as either before or after one another in a list.
I was never made to memorize presidents, but I know lots of children are, and I think that's useful too. Once you have the presidents and the years they were in office memorized, you have a reference for the whole time line of the united states. You no longer have to think about what was happening in the 50s or 40s or industrial revolution, you can just associate events with presidents and have a good rough idea of how it fits into the grand scheme of things. Similarly, My Future Kids will memorize the amendments to the constitution with dates and states along with capitols. They're going to memorize resistor color codes, the NATO phonetic alphabet, prime numbers through 100, basic formulas, trig identities, unit conversions, SI- prefixes, fundamental constants, knots, edible plants, basic first aid rules, and more as I think of them. They don't need to understand them at first. Hopefully, they will just have these lists and facts and things lurking in their brains until suddenly it's useful and suddenly they can go ahead and do things without needing to look up the formula or whatever they need.
As an added bonus, people will think they're really smart, which will make them really smart. Score!
I was never made to memorize presidents, but I know lots of children are, and I think that's useful too. Once you have the presidents and the years they were in office memorized, you have a reference for the whole time line of the united states. You no longer have to think about what was happening in the 50s or 40s or industrial revolution, you can just associate events with presidents and have a good rough idea of how it fits into the grand scheme of things. Similarly, My Future Kids will memorize the amendments to the constitution with dates and states along with capitols. They're going to memorize resistor color codes, the NATO phonetic alphabet, prime numbers through 100, basic formulas, trig identities, unit conversions, SI- prefixes, fundamental constants, knots, edible plants, basic first aid rules, and more as I think of them. They don't need to understand them at first. Hopefully, they will just have these lists and facts and things lurking in their brains until suddenly it's useful and suddenly they can go ahead and do things without needing to look up the formula or whatever they need.
As an added bonus, people will think they're really smart, which will make them really smart. Score!
Monday, April 23, 2012
My Future Tauists
This morning in the shower I made a decision. I shall raise My Future Kids to be Tauists.
I admit that when I was child I was a fan of math more than I was a mathematician. And yes, I memorized digits of pi. I now find this a little embarrassing, not so much because memorizing digits is lame, but because pi isn't actually all that great. Sure pi is cool and all, but you know what's even better? e. Ha, I got you, you thought I was going to say 2pi, but yeah 2pi is also better.
Now, it could well be that raising My Future Kids with less wide-spread fundamental constants is a bad idea. But at least they will be raised with a certain elegance that pi simply cannot offer them. Hopefully they will grow up with a deeper understanding of the relationships between circles and sines and cosines. It will be hard, to be sure, to adjust to talking to people who prefer to think in terms of pi (henceforth known as half-tau), but maybe it will help them switch bases.
I say that I want My Future Kids to learn tau because it will offer deeper understanding, but I have another reason also. It occurred to me this morning that should we make contact with an alien species and attempt to communicate in the universal language of math, we will find ourselves sorely embarrassed. In Stargate, I remember that there was some sort of test to prove that one's species was sufficiently advanced that involved half-tau. It is clear, however, that tau is a much more reasonable and intuitive constant to ask another civilization about. If another species approached ours wishing to forge a connection through the sharing of fundamental constants and basic proofs, I know that I would feel quite childish offering up half-tau with a much more sensible constant just a factor of 2 away.
May we all one day be tauists. May My Future Kids be the beginning of the move to more sensible mathematics.
I admit that when I was child I was a fan of math more than I was a mathematician. And yes, I memorized digits of pi. I now find this a little embarrassing, not so much because memorizing digits is lame, but because pi isn't actually all that great. Sure pi is cool and all, but you know what's even better? e. Ha, I got you, you thought I was going to say 2pi, but yeah 2pi is also better.
Now, it could well be that raising My Future Kids with less wide-spread fundamental constants is a bad idea. But at least they will be raised with a certain elegance that pi simply cannot offer them. Hopefully they will grow up with a deeper understanding of the relationships between circles and sines and cosines. It will be hard, to be sure, to adjust to talking to people who prefer to think in terms of pi (henceforth known as half-tau), but maybe it will help them switch bases.
I say that I want My Future Kids to learn tau because it will offer deeper understanding, but I have another reason also. It occurred to me this morning that should we make contact with an alien species and attempt to communicate in the universal language of math, we will find ourselves sorely embarrassed. In Stargate, I remember that there was some sort of test to prove that one's species was sufficiently advanced that involved half-tau. It is clear, however, that tau is a much more reasonable and intuitive constant to ask another civilization about. If another species approached ours wishing to forge a connection through the sharing of fundamental constants and basic proofs, I know that I would feel quite childish offering up half-tau with a much more sensible constant just a factor of 2 away.
May we all one day be tauists. May My Future Kids be the beginning of the move to more sensible mathematics.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
I Wonder Where That Toy Airplane Went
The posts on this blog have two purposes relevant to Future Me: One is so I can remember all my great ideas about child-raising. The second is to record my thoughts and experiences for Future Me's reference, making the assumption that my experience is roughly equal to that of My Future Kids.
So here's my current experience. Here's my plea for forgiveness for being stupid, irrational, and confused.
I get annoyed when people tell me to talk about myself. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I hate having attention directed at me. Secondly, I don't enjoy talking about things that I don't know anything about.
I don't really know how to interpret my own experiences. What am I feeling? I don't know. Does my neck hurt? Maybe I'm stressed. Why do you suddenly want to cry? Did something sad happen? No. Do you miss anyone? Anything? Not really. What the hell is wrong with you? Fuck if I know. Is it the hormones again? Maybe. Why are you doing that thing? I don't know. Because it's expected? Because I thought I wanted it? No you didn't. Well, maybe I just wanted to want it. Well, do you? How can I tell? Fuck if I know.
I have a hard time parsing emotions and other such feelings unless associated with a physical sensation. As an example, when talking to my professors, I don't feel nervous, but the hot feeling in my face tells me that I must be.
I have a hard time trusting myself. Perhaps for because of the above.
I was in love once. I only vaguely remember what I felt, but I can remember what I thought. It wasn't even a very healthy relationship, but I remember feeling like it was the best thing. Being in love was the best thing, and it was unlikely that anyone had ever felt as I did. I don't know why it felt so wonderful and unique, but it did. When I was in love, I wanted no one else and spending all of my time with my lover was just fine.
But that was love then. I'm a different person now. Different a few times over. How will I know if I'm in love again? Will it feel the same? Will it feel different? Was that euphoria just some kind of fluke? The definition I had for love has definitely changed. I used to think of love as valuing someone more than oneself, but I have since come to the conclusion that that definition is somewhat unhealthy. Those were not the greatest times in my life. Though to be fair, I plan on this definition being valid for My Future Kids and Spouse. However, right now that definition is simply not practical.
I used to think that what I wanted was smooches. Then I thought that what I wanted was someone to smooch. Then I realized that what I wanted was to be in love again. That's the current theory at least. And it makes sense, who doesn't want to be high as a kite forever?
There is a certain fear though. What if what I want doesn't really exist? Maybe I'm not capable of being in love anymore. What if that was just a one-time deal? I've been in a few relationships since, but I've had a hard time feeling anything for any of them. Dates and smooches are fun and all, but at some level, I almost just consider them a way of being polite.
Do you remember this, Future Me? Or as you might call it, Me Proper? When My Future Kids are angsty and confused and just doing shit for no discernible reason to you or them, please forgive them. With any luck, they, too, will grow out of it. Isn't that right, Future Me? Right?
So here's my current experience. Here's my plea for forgiveness for being stupid, irrational, and confused.
I get annoyed when people tell me to talk about myself. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I hate having attention directed at me. Secondly, I don't enjoy talking about things that I don't know anything about.
I don't really know how to interpret my own experiences. What am I feeling? I don't know. Does my neck hurt? Maybe I'm stressed. Why do you suddenly want to cry? Did something sad happen? No. Do you miss anyone? Anything? Not really. What the hell is wrong with you? Fuck if I know. Is it the hormones again? Maybe. Why are you doing that thing? I don't know. Because it's expected? Because I thought I wanted it? No you didn't. Well, maybe I just wanted to want it. Well, do you? How can I tell? Fuck if I know.
I have a hard time parsing emotions and other such feelings unless associated with a physical sensation. As an example, when talking to my professors, I don't feel nervous, but the hot feeling in my face tells me that I must be.
I have a hard time trusting myself. Perhaps for because of the above.
I was in love once. I only vaguely remember what I felt, but I can remember what I thought. It wasn't even a very healthy relationship, but I remember feeling like it was the best thing. Being in love was the best thing, and it was unlikely that anyone had ever felt as I did. I don't know why it felt so wonderful and unique, but it did. When I was in love, I wanted no one else and spending all of my time with my lover was just fine.
But that was love then. I'm a different person now. Different a few times over. How will I know if I'm in love again? Will it feel the same? Will it feel different? Was that euphoria just some kind of fluke? The definition I had for love has definitely changed. I used to think of love as valuing someone more than oneself, but I have since come to the conclusion that that definition is somewhat unhealthy. Those were not the greatest times in my life. Though to be fair, I plan on this definition being valid for My Future Kids and Spouse. However, right now that definition is simply not practical.
I used to think that what I wanted was smooches. Then I thought that what I wanted was someone to smooch. Then I realized that what I wanted was to be in love again. That's the current theory at least. And it makes sense, who doesn't want to be high as a kite forever?
There is a certain fear though. What if what I want doesn't really exist? Maybe I'm not capable of being in love anymore. What if that was just a one-time deal? I've been in a few relationships since, but I've had a hard time feeling anything for any of them. Dates and smooches are fun and all, but at some level, I almost just consider them a way of being polite.
Do you remember this, Future Me? Or as you might call it, Me Proper? When My Future Kids are angsty and confused and just doing shit for no discernible reason to you or them, please forgive them. With any luck, they, too, will grow out of it. Isn't that right, Future Me? Right?
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