What's up?

I sometimes forget that people are different from me. As an example, I tend to consider certain gestures to be dull and meaningless; scripted to the point that I almost find them offensive-- why even bother when it's clear that neither of us cares? But it came to my attention recently that these gestures are genuinely important to people who simply happen not to be me.

Hold on a sec while I think of a way to tie this in to My Future Kids.

. . .

Okay I got it.
Social niceties. I will make a point of making My Future Kids get into the habit of paying attention to them, no matter how meaningless. Ideally, you really would mean them, which makes them not dull or meaningless, but you are expected to hold to them regardless of whether you mean it or not. I guess my problem with them is when you can tell that they're done out of obligation, and I would have preferred if no attempt at upholding the niceties had been made at all. It stands to reason then that I should also teach My Future Kids to fake sincerity as well. It will make them more friends anyway. I hope that doesn't make them prematurely cynical and jaded with life. It's possible that fake sincerity is just a Midwestern thing, I'm not sure. I heard some anecdotal evidence stating that Midwesterners are more likely to act interested in you regardless of whether or not they care about what you're saying. I don't know. I tend to just do this all the time because I'm not good at paying attention. To anyone who has talked at me for any sort of extended period of time-- I'm sorry you had to find out like this.

More Holiday Angst

I decided on a New Year's, or rather Rest of My Life resolution. Never become as lonely as Cool Aunt and her house full of animals. I know that I am a terrible person, thanks. Convenience marriages and sperm banks are wonderful, beautiful things. 

I have a pact with one of my friends that if neither of us get married by the time we're ~35 (I don't remember the exact age), we will get a convenience marriage. He was probably joking, but when the time comes (I'll say 37), I will so take him up on that offer. I'm completely serious. 

If that plan falls through, I better have a lot of good friends and high-quality babies with my preferred hair color, eye color, and ethnicity.

You may laugh at me, but after a childhood with few to no friends, I consider a life of utter loneliness to be a very real possibility. 

Thus I write it here, immortalized on the internet, if on my 37th birthday I find myself alone, I will obtain My Future Kids and optionally Spouse by whatever means necessary. I kind of frighten myself sometimes. This is one of those times. But also, I really don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.

My Future Clones

I realized that I am just like my parents. Much of what I want for My Future Kids is essentially my childhood but better. I am terrified that My Future Kids will turn out like me. Most of those who know me will not see a problem with this (out load, at least). Most of those who know me are not my parents. I know that it would not totally unacceptable for My Future Kids to treat me in the way I treat my parents. Which is to say, with almost total disregard to their feelings and ignoring any desire they might have to see their only progeny.
The other day, a story happened that made me realize just how much like my parents I am, and it frightened me. How do I keep My Future Kids from becoming me? How do I keep My Future Kids from becoming too different from me? You laugh at my contradiction and uncertainty, but this is a real issue. It's very important to me that My Future Kids grow up to be polite and conscious of the needs of others. Of course, it's not enough to be polite. I can be polite to my parents, but that's all. In comparing myself to my friend, I realized that I am a terrible child. I would abandon Parents at the drop of a hat and feel nothing for them. I don't really know them and they don't really know me and that absolutely cannot happen with My Future Kids. I don't think I could bear it.

Blame it on Baby Jesus

Today Father put together the fake Christmas Tree and an hour or so later, I went around with the boxes of ornaments and things and stuck them on. In My Future Household, this will be wholly unacceptable. Holidays tend to serve as a reminder of the the kind of family dynamic I wish I had is not what I do have and I certainly don't help. Sure, traditions are just going through the same motions year after year, they don't have to mean anything, but at least you could pretend.
I remember that as a child that I would decorate the tree. I would spend hours, probably, making the perfect arrangement. We had a couple boxes of generic ornaments, and I hated them. I would dutifully distribute them on the tree, but I would always put them on the bottom or in the back. I just hated how they were all so plain and all the same and none of them meant anything in the least. Even the ornaments that were same sort of generic orb that just had my name and the date written in glitter were okay in my book; not great, but okay.
I've mentioned how important tradition is to me. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a hopeless romantic. It makes up for how I don't have feelings under normal circumstances. I can already imagine My First Christmas with Spouse. A small apartment with a tiny, scrawny tree (think A Charlie Brown Christmas). I tend to imagine that as a young adult I will be poor, but frankly, given my career options, that probably isn't true. And this tiny tree will have two ornaments, the start of what will eventually become a large and eclectic collection. I know. I'm disgusting.
Anyway, about My Future Kids. Every year we will decorate the goddamn tree together like a goddamn family. And every single one of those ornaments are going to be unique and have a goddamn story.
My Christmases used to be much closer to my idyllic Christmas. Some were very idyllic. Going to Grandmother's house, eating homemade lefse and Swedish meatballs with 1-3 aunts and up to 2 cousins. Now that Grandmother and Childless Cool Aunt are gone (one moved to California and then died, the other just moved to California), remaining extended family has little reason to come up and have grandbabies of their own to eat Christmas dinner with, so it's just me and Parents. Now, holidays are just the occasions where we break out the nice dishes and the sparkling cider. Depressing.

UPDATE: Christmas saved by packages of lefse, cookies, and yulekaka sent by Cool Aunt and Talkative Aunt. OMNOMNOM. Mother gave me a book about how water reacts to saying nice things, ect. with the sincere belief that I might enjoy/ learn from it. This is why I asked for nothing for Christmas.

A Christmas Angle

Now, I'm all about the tradition, but I just gotta say. For some number between 1 and infinite number of years, I'm topping my Christmas tree with a protractor.
Hmm. What if Spouse is Jewish? Does that mean I'll have to stop celebrating Christmas? I'm not religious, but I do love Christmas. Would it be weird to celebrate both Christian holidays and Jewish holidays in a household that doesn't actually contain Christians? An interesting thought. You don't need to be religious to have tradition, but I know some of my traditions will almost definitely be lost. I celebrate my mother's holidays, but I don't know them well enough for them to be my own. All I know about them is money and delicious. Maybe that's what it would be like with My Future Kids. Sure there's Easter Egg decorating every spring and a large evergreen tree in the living room every winter, but who can remember Christmas when Hanukkah lasts for a whole week?
Whatever happens with the holidays, at least I can rest assured that the most important thing will not be lost, i.e. the food. I don't care who raises My Future Kids with me, we will be eating SO MUCH LEFSE. Oh my goodness. It will be wonderful. And the cookies. OM NOM NOM.

Mmm Watcha Say

I will communicate with My Future Kids. I will not assume that they understand all those stupid idioms 'n' shit. I will not assume that they know what I mean. Furthermore, I will make them communicate clearly with me. If they ever say something that can be misinterpreted, I will misinterpret it, regardless of whether I know what they mean or not. Sure, they will consider me to some kind of dumb-shit for the majority of their young adult lives, but at least they will become excellent at saying what they mean. Except, actually, I will not just misinterpret them, because then I'll be just as bad as my parents. I will actually just present them with all the possible interpretations and then purposefully misinterpret them if they remain unclear. I think the extra step will save us all from extra effort and frustration.
Maybe this will cripple My Future Kids. Maybe they will become too used to clarity and won't be able to make good judgments about whatever people mean when they are being ambiguous. This, I realize, is a problem. My Future Kids will need to be able to see things from other people's points of view and should learn to be able to infer what is mostly likely meant. Then again, maybe I should just teach them to ask questions. And teach them to lie so they understand other points of view. I think that will solve the problem.

Thanksgiving

My Future Kids will never be alone on Thanksgiving. At least, they won't need to be. My Future Kids will never need to bear Awkwardsgiving with just me and Spouse. I may not have any good extended family, but Spouse might. Even if we have no real family outside of ourselves and Our Future Kids, we will have other people over. Maybe friends or neighbors or randoms. I'm not huge on the holidays, but actually I am. Thanksgiving is all about people coming together. I don't think My Future Kids will ever need to feel alone on Thanksgiving. They don't need to spend it with me, but they definitely will never spend it with just me and Spouse.
In the interest of full (almost) disclosure, I'm having a pretty interesting Thanksgiving right now. You can ask me about it if you like. I'm spending it with my friends and we ate Indian food for dinner. Also I bought a cheap pie crust with pumpkin filling and I stole some cranberry sauce to make my dinner sufficiently Thanksgiving-y.
Anyway, neither I nor My Future Kids will ever be alone on Thanksgiving. I think that the very saddest thing is being alone for Thanksgiving. That is how you know that you are truly alone. Now, I typically don't believe in having emotions, but for some reason, Thanksgiving lunch at my school was strangely meaningful and emotionally charged for me. I think Thanksgiving is a great way to think about the people in your life and appreciate them. To be alone on Thanksgiving is to have no one. Even dinner with strangers on Thanksgiving is better than being alone.
Moral of the story: I, and therefore My Future Kids, refuse to be forever alone.