Fear

I think one of the greatest challenges of life is conquering fear. I am plagued by fear. Not fear of things, but rather of doing new things. Of leaving my comfort zone. Of other people.

One strategy to conquer this fear is to think about the situation rationally. What's the worst that could happen? Person hates me forever and never speaks to me again and then kills my entire family. Okay, but what's actually the worst that could happen? Some form of rejection, I guess. Well that's not so bad! You can survive that! Yeah I guess, but that's not really what I'm afraid of. Then what are you afraid of? I don't know! You think I need to have something to fear to be afraid? Screw you, Rationality! You don't know me! One, I am you. And two, If you have nothing to fear, then why be afraid? Because it's scary! Why, why is it scary? I don't know! Then how do you even know that it is scary? Because I'm scared!

Such analyses tend not to be very helpful for me. 

My solution is not to not be afraid. Rather, I conquer my fear by thinking what Future Me would think. Some things I have to do even if I don't want to or am afraid to because Future Me would hate me if I didn't. This also applies to things that I want to have done more than I want to do. For example, I'm studying away next semester. It's not the draw of the experience itself that made me decide to do it so much as having had that experience. You get me? I've always wanted to travel somewhere. I think it's something everyone should do. I'm not really afraid of doing it, but I am a little bit. I know that if I gave up the opportunity to study away, I would probably never do it and Future Me would hate me forever for it. 

Now that I think of, that's another way of dealing with fear. Passing the buck to Future Me. You know what's not scary? Applying and paying for a semester abroad. You know what's even scarier than a semester abroad? Not going abroad after you applied, accepted, and and told everyone you were going away.

2012: A Year in Review

It that time of year. The time to look back and marvel at far we've come. Now that I think of it, maybe this is the sort of thing that should not be done at the end of the year but throughout. Anyway, let's look at the year.

In movies:
The Grey: I saw this through Redbox. It's basically a zombie movie with wolves instead of zombies.
The Hunger Games: I'm pretty sure I saw it. For the culture or something. Maybe I just saw an extensive trailer, who really knows.
Small Apartments: I saw this movie at SXSW, and I liked it a lot. Super indie. Friend got a screening at School, which is neat, though I didn't go.
The Cabin in the Woods: Holy god. I was excited for this movie because Joss Whedon, but I was afraid it would disappoint, I can't say I was super thrilled by the trailers. Holy god. It was amazing. It currently holds the title of My Favorite Movie.
The Avengers: Another Joss Whedon movie. I saw it twice in theaters. It's basically the best possible superhero movie (note that I would not count the Batman trilogy as superhero movies). I'm not crazy about superhero movies, but if I were to recommend one, it would be this.
Moonrise Kindom: Saw this one through FILM club. Super adorable and that indie movie feel with Bruce Willis.
Snow White and the Huntsman: I didn't actually watch this one in theaters. All I really have to say is that I'm getting over my prejudice against Twilight and Kristen Stewart, because it's dumb, really. Also, hot damn, Charlize Theron.
Brave: It was good but not super-fantastic. Really nice mother-daughter thing going for it though.
The Dark Knight Rises: It was not my favorite of the Batman movies. Though I did like Anne Hathaway and I always enjoy watching Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Christian Bale running around being beautiful.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: I enjoyed it enough to watch it twice. I love Martin Freeman being so average all the time. I feel like he's the only person typecasted as someone really normal. It was no Lord of the Rings, but it was enough. I kind of wish Tolkein was a better storyteller. He has such beautiful language and such a rich world that it seems a shame that the Eagles are always coming in to save the day even when they aren't really supposed to care about anyone. I saw it first in 3D. I really don't think that the extra dimension contributes to the movie and movies aren't really made with the third dimension in mind. I think it's a bit like the uncanny valley effect. It's caught in the valley of the perfect immersive experience. It's close, but really not close enough. I'm looking at you, out-of-focus foreground items.
Django Unchained: Holy god. I was expecting bloodshed. I was also expecting the story of a slave overcoming obstacles to achieve some such thing or another. But this movie. Holy god. Beautiful and bloody and absurd and a lot funnier than I was expecting from a Tarantino film. I keep thinking that Leonardo DiCaprio should be old by now but he is still looking good.
Les Misérables: I liked this movie a lot, despite having no idea what the plot was going into it. I'm a poor judge of singing, but one of those voices was not like the others. It was Russell Crowe's. Also close-ups, much? 

I saw a bunch of other movies that didn't come out this year, but there isn't a wikipedia article for that. Most notable were Dear Zachary, which left me feeling terrible. Also Dead Snow, a Nazi Zombie movie that I actually saw twice, once through FILM and once back home.

In music:
This year I've been feeling Fun., the Lumineers, Ke$ha, Counting Crows. With some spillover from Florence + the Machine and the Wombats from last year. I really am not a music person and I do not know how to music. 

In books:
I can't really remember what I read. Over the summer I re-read The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit (technically I only read half of it before but Father read the whole thing to me when I was young, so I think that counts). A good thing too, I was way too young to appreciate it the first time. I tried to make myself take my time and savor the language and not read when I wasn't getting anything from it. I did One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest over the semester and that was a pretty good time. Oh, and of course, summer reading book the Toaster Project, which I got signed by the author!

In "television":
Like people actually watch tvs anymore. Here's a joke for Future Me: Television! Ho, ho! Anyway, not many shows I really care about. Doctor Who, per uzh. I went on a Whedon kick and watched all of Buffy and Angel over the summer. I had a lot of time on my hands. I started reading the comics too, but only managed to get my hands on half of Season 8 in "motion comic" form. Also, I watched Once Upon A Time for a weekly roommate date. I gave up on Fringe. I stuck with White Collar because Matt Bomer is a beautiful man. I watch Bones and Castle when I'm bored. I enjoyed Warehouse 13, but wouldn't go out of my way to watch it (ie go anywhere other than Hulu). I guess anime counts too, but I can't remember all of them. Steins; Gate was my favorite but I also liked Baccano. I don't remember the rest. God, I watch a lot of screen.

I also picked up League of Legends over the summer and am now privvy to such slang as "gg," "gank," and "imba."

In people:
people I shared a room with: 1 #roomates4lyf
people I kissed: 3
people I wanted to kiss: 4 (off the top of my head)
people in the intersection of the two sets above: 1
about those in (2) intersect ~(3): WORTH
people I met: ALL OF THE FRESHMAN
people whom I introduced myself to as "Snipe": ALL OF THE FRESHMAN LOLOLOLOL
people whose room I have been in, not counting my own: 8 (I think)

If I were to go back in time one year and give Past Me advice, it would be this: GET A SUMMER JOB. LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH IF YOU HAVE TO. Also, go on some freaking dates. It doesn't matter if you have a shotgun philosophy if you don't actually implement it.

If I were to thank 2012 Me, I would say, well, at least you did it, and now you're better for it and I won't make you do it again; thanks for taking one (or two) for the team. And thanks for getting that study away and summer job ball rolling, you really make me feel like I'm on top of my shit for that.

In resolutions:
One blog post per week. I'm thinking Saturday mornings.
Also generic be happier and healthier and do more of the things you like and less of things you don't.
Actually work and that coding thing you said you would work on but didn't all break.

In bad ideas:
Vodka watermelon: way too much vodka/watermelon
Subscribing to mailing lists
Sandals in snow, and I mean in snow. On snow is fine.
Waiting.
Telling the truth to people you want to be hired by. I'm still bitter.
Spending summer at home. Alone.
Going to second-hand stores for pants. Some people's legs are just too short for normal people pants.
Going to buffets. They are way too expensive and you either don't eat enough for it to be worth it or you eat until you feel like shit.

In apocalypses:
There were 2. Neither worked.

In politics:
The media is really kind of terrible. I think people are getting more frustrated with media sensationalism. Also parties are terrible. People actually tend to be reasonable people who can get along with other people with different view until you put them into a party and everything goes to hell and issues become more than issues and become symbols and shit. Part of me just wants everything to get worse so it can burn down and we can make something new and better instead, but I don't really think that would work.
Anyway, both Michele and T-Paw tried for president but neither made it very far. Michele is still crazy but managed to get re-elected to her district. Minnesota did not make it harder to vote or ban same-sex marriages in its Constitution, so that's pretty alright.
For posterity, this was the first year recreational marijuana use has been legalized, so that's neat.

Welp, that's all the ways I can of to sum up the year. Until we meet again, Reader!

Just Pick Something

If I had one real piece of advice to give, it would be this: just pick something.

Roommate has a different philosophy. She thinks that given sufficient research, a correct decision can be made and precious time can be saved from doing the wrong thing. I disagree.

I feel vaguely as though I have written about this before. It's certainly come up before, life-wise. It doesn't matter. It's important and therefore gets to get repeat mentions. Onward!
So here's the thing: there are actually no right answers. I should say there is no Right answer but perhaps plenty of right answers and certainly Wrong answers, but maybe you can't always tell which ones are Wrong and sometimes you think an answer is Wrong but it's not or maybe some answers are wrong sometimes and right other times. Well, life is complicated like that. For clarity, I'm intentionally speaking in a very broad context, because I think this advice is broadly applicable. Whenever you need to make a decision, really.
For now though, let's talk about deciding what you want to do with your life. Just pick something. People are afraid of closing doors, but, honestly, options make people less happy (proven with science!). You were not born for the sole purpose of doing any one thing (well other than continue your genetic line). You don't need to find that thing you were destined to do. You just do things. Once you've eliminated all the things you don't want to do, you have many valid options. If you have some reason to choose one above the others, do it. If you don't, it really doesn't matter which you pick, then, does it? So just pick one. Roommate would probably suggest introspection to determine what you want and research into your options to see if that is indeed what you want. I don't think that it's possible to know what something is like. To know if that is truly what you want, until you try it. Just pick one. Seriously. If it's not the Wrong option, you'll probably be happy enough. There are no guarantees that you'll be happier elsewhere, and since people tend towards some midline of happiness regardless of their situation, you probably won't be happier elsewhere. As long as you're happy enough. If you're not happy enough, then you can do something different. Change your career. Get a hobby. Whatever. It's not there is only one source of happiness. I forget sometimes that lots (most?) of people don't tie their identities to their careers. A career is just a way to get money. Happiness can come from anywhere. So just try to avoid things that actively make you unhappy.

People from the Midwest are notoriously indecisive. Maybe this is true elsewhere as well, I don't know. No one wants to make a decision because no one has any real objections to anything and everyone just wants to make sure everyone else is happy. Then people just stand around going "oh, I dunno, whatever you want." Just pick something.

I like the Just Pick Something mindset, because the only decision that I really need to make is that it doesn't matter. Once that's decided, it's easy and decisions can be made by just pointing at random. Even if it is the Wrong decision, you will very probably survive. And if you don't, I'm going to guess there wasn't much to be done about it anyway.

Season's Greetings

I hate Hallmark cards. They seem so... fake. Phonies! Every one of 'em. They seem so impersonal. Those words are not your own. How can you give me this card with these words that are not yours? I think that I shouldn't hate them. We cannot all put our thoughts and feelings into words, but that doesn't mean that they are not there. That they are not real. And yet, I can't stand to read someone else's words telling me how much you care. Maybe you carefully flipped through cards looking for the one with exactly the right sentiment. But maybe you picked the first one that was applicable. It's all the same to me. If you had something to say, why not just say it, awkward phrasing and all?
Mother gave me a Hallmark card. My first instinct when reading a card is to read only that which was written by hand and to skip anything that wasn't. They made me read it. The sentiment was nice though I have since forgotten it. She gave Father a Hallmark card too. He appreciated his more than I mine. I think he got a little chocked up reading it. I didn't understand why. I feel like Hallmark cards are full of sweet sentiments that really don't mean anything, not when you buy them. You can talk about what a kind and caring and gentle person I am, but I won't believe you. I will believe that you wanted to say something nice to me and could only think of banalities like what a nice person I am. It's the kind of thing children write about one another when they have to. Tell me to Have A Great Summer!!! why don't you.
Thinking about it, I don't have things to say about people. I don't have reasons for liking or caring about people. I just do. I have reasons for admiring people. I have reasons for disliking people. But I couldn't really tell you why some people are my friends and others mere acquaintances. There are reasons, sure, but I think most them amount to being in the right place at the right time and having sufficiently compatible personalities, not because of how great some person or another is. I guess I don't really have anything better to say to people than Hey, I like you and I like spending time with you. But at least it's genuine, or something.

A Holiday Reprise

Yes, it's that time of year again, it's time for... Holiday Angst! I leave the flashing lights and animated gifs to the reader's imagination. My Christmas eve was very efficient this year. Dinner in twenty minutes. No conversation. Presents a similarly no-nonsense affair. It's nice though. One present each and probably they're not terrible. But it still feels like something is missing, and it's not just the tree.
I think, at some level, traditions are about the hassle and the bustle. They're about doing things with your family/familial group because it's what you always do together. It's not about liking it. It's about doing a thing with your familial group to be with them.
Okay, not a lot of Holiday Angst this time around. If you're looking for more angst, check back next time!
I don't know what it is about the holidays but they make me feel lonely.

Practical Psychology

A few days ago I finished my Psych 101 course and I have a few things to share with Future Me.

The marshmallow test:
A simple test to measure, I dunno, a kid's ability to wait for shit. The point is that kids who are successful tend to be better at life, from school, to relationships, to professional success, whatever, they're better at it.
So here what you do: Give the kid a marshmallow. Tell them that you're going to leave the room for fifteen minutes. if the marshmallow is still there, they'll get a second one.
Anyway, if they fail the test, they will take it again later and again after that until they succeed. And probably again a few times after that just to make sure it isn't a fluke.

On conditioning:
Okay, so there's two types of conditioning: classical and operant. Classical conditioning associates a stimulus with a reflex. The stimulus has to come before whatever causes the reflex, so keep that in mind. Operant conditioning associates a behavior with a reward. Now, an important thing to note is that it's easier to condition people if you offer the reward every time they do the thing you want, but it's also easier to become unconditioned. If you don't give a reward every time, it encourages them to do it more and it takes longer for them to become unconditioned, even if takes longer for them to get conditioned in the first place. Strategize, Future Me!

You can also influence My Future Kids to change their attitudes. Condition them to associate ideas with either good or bad things. Influence their behavior by modeling it because they eat that shit up. Pysch Prof got his kid to wear a shirt by putting on the kid's shirt. They love that stuff. This is what advertisements are made of.

If there is one thing you didn't know that you know now and should make an effort to still know in the indeterminate future from Pysch, it's that thoughts follow from behavior, though you may perceive the contrary. Let me tell you what I mean. People do things. I don't think they know why. They may have reasons, but I don't think they know them. You get me? They do things and make up why after the fact. Maybe they're right, but who knows? Not them.
Let me walk you through an example, because I know you're a bit rusty, Future Me. Let's talk about feelings. You see a bear. Two things happen, you have the physiological response (adrenaline rush) and the emotion of fear. Common sense dictates that you see the bear and become frightened, which triggers the physiological response. False. I think current models say that seeing the bear triggers the physiological response before you ever get the feeling of being afraid. You then note the situation, conclude that you ought to be afraid and then become afraid. You don't need the physiological response, but it does help. It's like how biting a pencil makes you happier because it's kind of like smiling.
Now, before you start talking about false equivalences between behavior and physiological responses. let's talk about another study. It involved giving people a tedious task with either a large or small reward (money). People given the larger reward found the task to be more boring than those not given as much (I don't remember whether or not they were paid at all). It is thought that people who got the reward assessed the situation and assumed that they did the task even though it was tedious because of the reward whereas those who did not receive had no other reason to do it, so they must have enjoyed it.
I find this to be reminiscent of the difference between work that I have to do and work that I do not have to do. It's a lot more enjoyable when I don't have to do it even when it's the exact same work. Just keep this in mind when you're trying to get My Future Kids to do shit.

Also, it looks like, as long as you're rich enough (i.e. not poor), there isn't much you can do to make My Future Kids smarter except bang smart people. So good news there. And no need to worry! Thanks, science!

Oh, and if you feel like tricking My Future Kids when they are young (5ish), they really have no sense of conservation (except for numbers <= 5 or so). The point is that taller and more spread out is more. So guess who's getting 5 pieces of Halloween candy until they understand there are numbers greater than five? It's not you, Future Me. Reese's Cups are for people who can count them. Tough luck, My Future Kids.

Speaking of child development, apparently bilingual kids are better at some sorting game, indicating that they're better at switching modes or something. I don't really know what the study meant. Anyway they're better at it so I guess that's cool? I don't think that being bilingual makes them smarter, but it doesn't hurt, so why not?

That's all I can remember for now. Godspeed, Future Me.

It Takes a Network

I just watched a really depressing movie. Now I'm too sad to work and too caffeinated to cry myself to sleep. Also Roommate told me to journal about the feels, so here I am.
I can't really pinpoint what I'm feeling except that it's bad. I just feel kind of shitty. It kind of reminds me of how I felt after watching Requiem for a Dream, except a different kind of shitty. The movie I watched was Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father: Basically, it's a documentary full of all the memories about a man who was murdered by an ex-lover who was pregnant with his child. The movie was made by his best friend from childhood and features his parents prominently. I think the parent-child relationships really get me. And those relationships where you really, really, love each other. There is something really beautiful and heartbreaking about that kind of love. This guy had tons of people who really loved him.
I wonder, and I feel bad for wondering, if I could be any of those people. Do I, will I ever have relationships like those? I can imagine my dad in the place of his dad. Typically calm and logical, with a good hold on his emotions, suddenly mad and sad and angry. My parents would act like his parents even though I don't have as good a relationship with them as he did. It makes me feel bad that I don't make more of an effort to stay in touch with the 'rents, but it also makes me uncomfortable when people love me a lot more than I love them. So that's that.
I have accepted, though, that my relationship with My Future Kids will be much the same. I will love them rather a lot, and they will love me rather less, and that's okay. I do hope that I will know My Future Kids better than Parents know me. I feel like that network of family and friends is so important and I kind of feel like I missed out on that. I've seen Mother's side of the family once in my life and do not even know their names. I know Father's immediate family and progeny but only Grandmother and Cool Aunt lived nearby. No one is even my age, really. I'm probably closest in age to my cousin's kid who's starting high school, I think. I'm not even friends with any of the people I was friends with in elementary school.
Sometimes I wonder where the line is between a friend and an acquaintance  I'm friendly with more people than I used to be, but I don't exactly hang out with people. In typical Midwestern Fashion, I'm not really into having a lot of friends, more a few very close friends. I have a couple, but sometimes I worry about being left behind. There are a few people that I like a lot, and it doesn't really matter to me how they feel about me. I wonder if that's why I don't have many friends: because I tend not to care what people think of me; I think it's a vulnerability thing. I'm trying to be more open. To make friends by being happy to see everyone. I don't really know if it works. I'm still kind of afraid of people.
On a related note, I just unbuttoned Roommate's pants for her because she just painted her nails. So I guess I can't be that badly off.