What will I tell My Future Kids to make them happy and healthy and successful? Do they even get to be all three? At some level, I don't think they do, I don't think that anyone does, but maybe I'm wrong. Do I tell them that they're pretty? Will that make them more or less confident about their looks?
Whenever Parents compliment me, I assume them to be insincere and filling out a parental role in which they tell me things that are supposed to make me feel good. They do not. I either feel indifferent or I take the compliment as a sort of sneaky insult. Like a sort of congratulations for finally being mediocre at something you've been bad at for so long. I think that at some level this comes from my own judgments of the things I've done. If I feel that I have done something completely unremarkable or even the expected thing to do, and Parents praise me for it, then they have just sneaky-insulted everything I've done prior to that.
Should I compliment everything My Future Kids do? Only the things I consider worthy or praise? I want to be supportive, but I also want to be a trusted purveyor of opinions. Is it necessary to sacrifice one for the other? What if I complimented everything that was above-average? What does that even mean? My Future Kids should be held to a higher standard! How do I express to My Future Kids that good at something they really need to step up their game? Does having kids make you automatically love everything they do?
I hear they you're not supposed to tell your kids that they're smart. You're supposed to tell them that they worked hard. I don't know if that's the best way to do it though. I can see why calling them smart is bad. Everything is easy in elementary school. It's SO EASY to just be smart and get away with it, but for most of us it doesn't last, though it does last longer for some than for others. But praising hard work? Who works hard in elementary school? Maybe I don't remember it well enough, but I remember exactly one hard thing from elementary school, and I figured out long division the next day when Father explained it to me. I had friends who worked hard. They did a little better than I did. Is that enough? Why should My Future Kids work hard if they can work smart? How do you teach that? How do you encourage that? Maybe working hard should come first, and working smart can develop later? My hard-working friends still work hard and I still don't work very hard or very smart, but I guess I'm still smart enough that I'm okay but not so smart that I can completely get away with it, and I've always had trouble with classes that seemed useless or that I simply did not like.
Sometimes I can't tell the difference between what should be said and what isn't relevant. I should call My Future Kids beautiful because everyone is beautiful in their own way, but if everyone is beautiful, then why do we even need to say it? To remind them, I suppose.
Perhaps I should operate on the assumption that My Future Kids slash everyone has a very limited memory space and if I want them to know something I must repeat it often to keep them from forgetting. That sounds like good life advice that I will not follow, but maybe I will keep it in mind.
I don't want my praise to My Future Kids to be meaningless to them, but I don't really understand how to be both supportive and also not a blind complimentobot for My Future Kids. Maybe I'll figure it out when the time comes and the problem will unravel itself before me. Or maybe that's what Child 1 is for.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
My Future Ne'er-do-wells
I'm wondering what an appropriate amount of sharing is between My Future Kids and I regarding certain less reputable activities (I'm talking about getting high right now). Right now I'm considering two of my friends in particular who enjoy this particular pastime a fair amount and how I would react as one of their parents. Honestly, there would be nothing I could do to stop them per se, even if attempting to stop them would be the right thing to do. I guess the best I could do is tell them to be safe, ban them from smoking in the house, and refuse to fund them if their grades get too low. To be fair, the biggest pothead I know was also one of the most ass-brilliant people I know, at least that was the impression I got the last time I saw him in 9th or 10th grade before he ran off to University. Also, some really goddamn smart people have partaken in mind-altering substances, but I don't know if the substances helped or hurt or were irrelevant regarding how goddamn smart those people were.
Even if My Future Kids don't end up being little potheads, they will almost certainly be curious. I think I should arrange some kind of talk with them. I keep thinking that right before college is the correct time, just based on my own sheltered experiences, but probably it should be before high school. Maybe even sooner. The talk will comprise of the results of various studies and my own experiences regarding substances, and maybe be anecdotal evidence from more famous people? No, associating potential role models with drug use is not a good idea. Just because they attribute the source of their genius to drugs doesn't mean that they were right or that you should use drugs as well. All it says really is that doing drugs won't necessarily mean that you will fail at life.
I really would prefer it if My Future Kids did not do drugs. Sometimes I think Parents should be more grateful that I was such an easy child.
Even if My Future Kids don't end up being little potheads, they will almost certainly be curious. I think I should arrange some kind of talk with them. I keep thinking that right before college is the correct time, just based on my own sheltered experiences, but probably it should be before high school. Maybe even sooner. The talk will comprise of the results of various studies and my own experiences regarding substances, and maybe be anecdotal evidence from more famous people? No, associating potential role models with drug use is not a good idea. Just because they attribute the source of their genius to drugs doesn't mean that they were right or that you should use drugs as well. All it says really is that doing drugs won't necessarily mean that you will fail at life.
I really would prefer it if My Future Kids did not do drugs. Sometimes I think Parents should be more grateful that I was such an easy child.
What's up?
I sometimes forget that people are different from me. As an example, I tend to consider certain gestures to be dull and meaningless; scripted to the point that I almost find them offensive-- why even bother when it's clear that neither of us cares? But it came to my attention recently that these gestures are genuinely important to people who simply happen not to be me.
Hold on a sec while I think of a way to tie this in to My Future Kids.
. . .
Okay I got it.
Social niceties. I will make a point of making My Future Kids get into the habit of paying attention to them, no matter how meaningless. Ideally, you really would mean them, which makes them not dull or meaningless, but you are expected to hold to them regardless of whether you mean it or not. I guess my problem with them is when you can tell that they're done out of obligation, and I would have preferred if no attempt at upholding the niceties had been made at all. It stands to reason then that I should also teach My Future Kids to fake sincerity as well. It will make them more friends anyway. I hope that doesn't make them prematurely cynical and jaded with life. It's possible that fake sincerity is just a Midwestern thing, I'm not sure. I heard some anecdotal evidence stating that Midwesterners are more likely to act interested in you regardless of whether or not they care about what you're saying. I don't know. I tend to just do this all the time because I'm not good at paying attention. To anyone who has talked at me for any sort of extended period of time-- I'm sorry you had to find out like this.
Hold on a sec while I think of a way to tie this in to My Future Kids.
. . .
Okay I got it.
Social niceties. I will make a point of making My Future Kids get into the habit of paying attention to them, no matter how meaningless. Ideally, you really would mean them, which makes them not dull or meaningless, but you are expected to hold to them regardless of whether you mean it or not. I guess my problem with them is when you can tell that they're done out of obligation, and I would have preferred if no attempt at upholding the niceties had been made at all. It stands to reason then that I should also teach My Future Kids to fake sincerity as well. It will make them more friends anyway. I hope that doesn't make them prematurely cynical and jaded with life. It's possible that fake sincerity is just a Midwestern thing, I'm not sure. I heard some anecdotal evidence stating that Midwesterners are more likely to act interested in you regardless of whether or not they care about what you're saying. I don't know. I tend to just do this all the time because I'm not good at paying attention. To anyone who has talked at me for any sort of extended period of time-- I'm sorry you had to find out like this.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
More Holiday Angst
I decided on a New Year's, or rather Rest of My Life resolution. Never become as lonely as Cool Aunt and her house full of animals. I know that I am a terrible person, thanks. Convenience marriages and sperm banks are wonderful, beautiful things.
I have a pact with one of my friends that if neither of us get married by the time we're ~35 (I don't remember the exact age), we will get a convenience marriage. He was probably joking, but when the time comes (I'll say 37), I will so take him up on that offer. I'm completely serious.
If that plan falls through, I better have a lot of good friends and high-quality babies with my preferred hair color, eye color, and ethnicity.
You may laugh at me, but after a childhood with few to no friends, I consider a life of utter loneliness to be a very real possibility.
Thus I write it here, immortalized on the internet, if on my 37th birthday I find myself alone, I will obtain My Future Kids and optionally Spouse by whatever means necessary. I kind of frighten myself sometimes. This is one of those times. But also, I really don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
My Future Clones
I realized that I am just like my parents. Much of what I want for My Future Kids is essentially my childhood but better. I am terrified that My Future Kids will turn out like me. Most of those who know me will not see a problem with this (out load, at least). Most of those who know me are not my parents. I know that it would not totally unacceptable for My Future Kids to treat me in the way I treat my parents. Which is to say, with almost total disregard to their feelings and ignoring any desire they might have to see their only progeny.
The other day, a story happened that made me realize just how much like my parents I am, and it frightened me. How do I keep My Future Kids from becoming me? How do I keep My Future Kids from becoming too different from me? You laugh at my contradiction and uncertainty, but this is a real issue. It's very important to me that My Future Kids grow up to be polite and conscious of the needs of others. Of course, it's not enough to be polite. I can be polite to my parents, but that's all. In comparing myself to my friend, I realized that I am a terrible child. I would abandon Parents at the drop of a hat and feel nothing for them. I don't really know them and they don't really know me and that absolutely cannot happen with My Future Kids. I don't think I could bear it.
The other day, a story happened that made me realize just how much like my parents I am, and it frightened me. How do I keep My Future Kids from becoming me? How do I keep My Future Kids from becoming too different from me? You laugh at my contradiction and uncertainty, but this is a real issue. It's very important to me that My Future Kids grow up to be polite and conscious of the needs of others. Of course, it's not enough to be polite. I can be polite to my parents, but that's all. In comparing myself to my friend, I realized that I am a terrible child. I would abandon Parents at the drop of a hat and feel nothing for them. I don't really know them and they don't really know me and that absolutely cannot happen with My Future Kids. I don't think I could bear it.
Blame it on Baby Jesus
Today Father put together the fake Christmas Tree and an hour or so later, I went around with the boxes of ornaments and things and stuck them on. In My Future Household, this will be wholly unacceptable. Holidays tend to serve as a reminder of the the kind of family dynamic I wish I had is not what I do have and I certainly don't help. Sure, traditions are just going through the same motions year after year, they don't have to mean anything, but at least you could pretend.
I remember that as a child that I would decorate the tree. I would spend hours, probably, making the perfect arrangement. We had a couple boxes of generic ornaments, and I hated them. I would dutifully distribute them on the tree, but I would always put them on the bottom or in the back. I just hated how they were all so plain and all the same and none of them meant anything in the least. Even the ornaments that were same sort of generic orb that just had my name and the date written in glitter were okay in my book; not great, but okay.
I've mentioned how important tradition is to me. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a hopeless romantic. It makes up for how I don't have feelings under normal circumstances. I can already imagine My First Christmas with Spouse. A small apartment with a tiny, scrawny tree (think A Charlie Brown Christmas). I tend to imagine that as a young adult I will be poor, but frankly, given my career options, that probably isn't true. And this tiny tree will have two ornaments, the start of what will eventually become a large and eclectic collection. I know. I'm disgusting.
Anyway, about My Future Kids. Every year we will decorate the goddamn tree together like a goddamn family. And every single one of those ornaments are going to be unique and have a goddamn story.
My Christmases used to be much closer to my idyllic Christmas. Some were very idyllic. Going to Grandmother's house, eating homemade lefse and Swedish meatballs with 1-3 aunts and up to 2 cousins. Now that Grandmother and Childless Cool Aunt are gone (one moved to California and then died, the other just moved to California), remaining extended family has little reason to come up and have grandbabies of their own to eat Christmas dinner with, so it's just me and Parents. Now, holidays are just the occasions where we break out the nice dishes and the sparkling cider. Depressing.
UPDATE: Christmas saved by packages of lefse, cookies, and yulekaka sent by Cool Aunt and Talkative Aunt. OMNOMNOM. Mother gave me a book about how water reacts to saying nice things, ect. with the sincere belief that I might enjoy/ learn from it. This is why I asked for nothing for Christmas.
I remember that as a child that I would decorate the tree. I would spend hours, probably, making the perfect arrangement. We had a couple boxes of generic ornaments, and I hated them. I would dutifully distribute them on the tree, but I would always put them on the bottom or in the back. I just hated how they were all so plain and all the same and none of them meant anything in the least. Even the ornaments that were same sort of generic orb that just had my name and the date written in glitter were okay in my book; not great, but okay.
I've mentioned how important tradition is to me. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a hopeless romantic. It makes up for how I don't have feelings under normal circumstances. I can already imagine My First Christmas with Spouse. A small apartment with a tiny, scrawny tree (think A Charlie Brown Christmas). I tend to imagine that as a young adult I will be poor, but frankly, given my career options, that probably isn't true. And this tiny tree will have two ornaments, the start of what will eventually become a large and eclectic collection. I know. I'm disgusting.
Anyway, about My Future Kids. Every year we will decorate the goddamn tree together like a goddamn family. And every single one of those ornaments are going to be unique and have a goddamn story.
My Christmases used to be much closer to my idyllic Christmas. Some were very idyllic. Going to Grandmother's house, eating homemade lefse and Swedish meatballs with 1-3 aunts and up to 2 cousins. Now that Grandmother and Childless Cool Aunt are gone (one moved to California and then died, the other just moved to California), remaining extended family has little reason to come up and have grandbabies of their own to eat Christmas dinner with, so it's just me and Parents. Now, holidays are just the occasions where we break out the nice dishes and the sparkling cider. Depressing.
UPDATE: Christmas saved by packages of lefse, cookies, and yulekaka sent by Cool Aunt and Talkative Aunt. OMNOMNOM. Mother gave me a book about how water reacts to saying nice things, ect. with the sincere belief that I might enjoy/ learn from it. This is why I asked for nothing for Christmas.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
A Christmas Angle
Now, I'm all about the tradition, but I just gotta say. For some number between 1 and infinite number of years, I'm topping my Christmas tree with a protractor.
Hmm. What if Spouse is Jewish? Does that mean I'll have to stop celebrating Christmas? I'm not religious, but I do love Christmas. Would it be weird to celebrate both Christian holidays and Jewish holidays in a household that doesn't actually contain Christians? An interesting thought. You don't need to be religious to have tradition, but I know some of my traditions will almost definitely be lost. I celebrate my mother's holidays, but I don't know them well enough for them to be my own. All I know about them is money and delicious. Maybe that's what it would be like with My Future Kids. Sure there's Easter Egg decorating every spring and a large evergreen tree in the living room every winter, but who can remember Christmas when Hanukkah lasts for a whole week?
Whatever happens with the holidays, at least I can rest assured that the most important thing will not be lost, i.e. the food. I don't care who raises My Future Kids with me, we will be eating SO MUCH LEFSE. Oh my goodness. It will be wonderful. And the cookies. OM NOM NOM.
Hmm. What if Spouse is Jewish? Does that mean I'll have to stop celebrating Christmas? I'm not religious, but I do love Christmas. Would it be weird to celebrate both Christian holidays and Jewish holidays in a household that doesn't actually contain Christians? An interesting thought. You don't need to be religious to have tradition, but I know some of my traditions will almost definitely be lost. I celebrate my mother's holidays, but I don't know them well enough for them to be my own. All I know about them is money and delicious. Maybe that's what it would be like with My Future Kids. Sure there's Easter Egg decorating every spring and a large evergreen tree in the living room every winter, but who can remember Christmas when Hanukkah lasts for a whole week?
Whatever happens with the holidays, at least I can rest assured that the most important thing will not be lost, i.e. the food. I don't care who raises My Future Kids with me, we will be eating SO MUCH LEFSE. Oh my goodness. It will be wonderful. And the cookies. OM NOM NOM.
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